[Scene: Inside the Purdue locker room. No coaches are present. Rob Hummel gathers the team.]
Rob Hummel: Gentlemen, I feel like I should say something to you all here... you know, to inspire you or something.
Chris Kramer: [eating handfuls of galvanized nails like they're peanuts] Like what, man?
Hummel: I don't know... I just feel like you guys looked really down when I got hurt on Weds and I don't want to see you play like that anymore. Look, you're the #3 team in the nation, and without me, you don't suddenly become a mediocre team.
Ryne Smith: Well, several media geniuses think so, and they're really smart.
Kramer: As usual, Ryne, you're off the mark.
LewJack: OOooh, burn, dawg!
Hummel: Lewis, are you high?
LewJack: [eats Cheetos off the floor]
JaJuan Johnson: Naw, man, Lew isn't high. He's just his own kinda man, you know? Y'all know he's a little strange sometimes.
Kramer: [drinking vitamin water with ground glass in it] True, true. Nobody works the point like LewJack, though.
Hummel: Anyway, my point is you guys are damn good. JJ, you've been able to dominate games over the past couple years. It's time for you to step it up and be the go-to man down low every night. And Keaton! You were all-conference two years ago, man! You HAVE the skills. Everybody in this room knows it. You just need to not...well...you know...
Kelsey Barlow: [makes choking sign]
Hummel: Yes, Kelsey, thank you, that's enough. Go do some wind sprints.
Kelsey: What??
Hummel: You heard me, freshman! Do it! And bring me a coffee!
Kramer: And bring me some insulation fiberglass on a stick like cotton candy.
LewJack: Yo, man, CK, you're tougher than any dude I ever seen.
Kramer: Thanks, Lew. [Pats Lewis Jackson on shoulder; dislocates LewJack's shoulder] Whoops, my bad, Lew.
Keaton Grant: Robbie's right. We need to all step it up a bit. Where's Patrick?
Patrick Bade: [rasies hand from back corner of room]
Hummel: Patrick, why are you way back there? We're gonna need you to play a pretty serious role now that I'm out.
Bade: [appears frightened; climbs into locker and covers self with laundry.]
Kramer: I know how to toughen him up. [Kramer pulls a belt out of his locker and begins cracking it like a whip]
Johnson: Hang on, man, I don't think that's the way to do this...
Kramer: [shrugs, gnaws on belt buckle.]
Hummel: Guys! Let's stay focused here. We won fourteen games to begin the season and got a little sloppy one week in January...and have won every game since. We're a bad week away from being undefeated. Let's continue to prove how good we are and prove everyone wrong. I'll be right there, cheering you on.... when I'm not winking at chicks in the crowd.
Kramer: What?
Hummel: Dude, now that I'm not playing, I need some help with rehab...
Ryne Smith: Man, I wish I could get hurt.
Kramer: We can arrange that.
Hummel: Everybody, let's gather round....you too, Patrick! Come out of there!
[Everyone crowds around Hummel]
Hummel: Okay, guys, "team" on three... 1, 2, 3
Entire Team: TEAM!
25 comments:
Ha, you made me be that guy laughing out loud in a crowded computer lab.
Well done, gents.
Hahahahaha... Thanks J Money.
Brightened up my day. I've never linked to BS or H&R on facebook before, but I just had to with this.
BRILLIANT!!!
What to say to an IU fan at work that expresses joy in Hummel's injury because now he "doesn't have to hear about a Purdue title run."
I am too angry to think straight. I told him that I didn't know he was part of that group of insecure jackass IU fans that would cheer an injury.
Hilarious!
Matt -- Tell him to get used to it. Purdue has many years of success ahead.
Hey Nate -- thanks for the backhanded compliment! Heh...
J Money-
Such talent. If I didn't know better I'd say this piece is toke inspired. It almost has to be. Well played.
Where the f___ is KSK Rex Ryan when you need him?
Ryne Smith...off the mark as usual! hahaha!
This is a truly hilarious post. Brightened my day so much, I appreciate it.
You guys are genius. Love it.
Hilarious post! Brightened my day, thanks.
You mean E'Twaun didn't have anything to say? Or was he busy shooting some more 3's in open gym.
@Sara -- you commented!! However, I note there are many blogs you "follow" and we're not one of them.... sadness commences...
@Scruffy -- you know, I thought of that after the fact... but Smooge is so quiet, I don't even know what I'd have him say. He'd just smile and drill another three.
haha... perfect comment about moore. was just gonna wonder the same thing on where he was in that speech.
"and a whole lotta threes"
That was a thing a beauty. Well done.
The only thing this was missing was a part where Keaton Grant says something great, disappears for 2 years and then inexplicably comes back at the same level.
Great post.
J Money that was freakin' sweet. Lets stick it to State!!! BOILER UP!!!
Thanks man. I needed that.
You know, I think the team would be better off if it had been Kramer who tore his ACL...
He'd play through it.
Haha! Hilarious. Pretty sure the was verbatim
Perhaps hiding in a locker is the only way to assure Bade doesn't instantaneously foul people.
That was piceless... Hilarious!! But with truth....
Of course I commented! And I didn't even realize I didn't follow you guys -- it's because I check this thing obsessively for updates, I don't need it to tell me you've posted something new. I will go change that right away to make you feel better though.
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