Are You Excited?

Are you excited? I know I am. It's April 15 and, aside from the excitement of tax day, it's the day the Notre Dame 2011 "The Shirt" is revealed.

Just the title "The Shirt" speaks volumes about the arrogance and self-importance associated with Notre Dame football. The idea that it's actually exciting to see which poorly-designed shirt concept was selected for this fall is also silly. But since there's not much to write about, it's always fun to make fun of Notre Dame.

Since this year's shirt isn't announced until late afternoon today (with special appearance by Brian Kelly -- OMG!!!), we'll just take a look back at some previous shirts, including our favorites...and perhaps make some suggestions for this year's slogan.

2009 -- "Rise and Strike. Defend our Honor."

Or, just get your honor violated week after week after week, while your obnoxious, arrogant coach alienates absolutely everyone and throws his own players under the bus.

2008 -- "Wake up the echoes. Notre Dame will rise again."

But not this year. We'll let you know when.

I also like that they couldn't think of too much original so they copied the '94 shirt and did "wake up the echoes" again.

2006 -- "Tradition. This is the day and you are the team."

...that will continue the decade-plus bowl victory drought.

2003 -- "Here come the Irish. There's a magic in the sound of their name."

Their name is Houdini?

Ah, but perhaps our favorite of all time was 2005:

"The Spirit Lives. If you could bottle the Notre Dame spirit, you could light up the universe."

Wow. I am still awed by horribly stupid that is. I remember us running into UND guys who were mortified by it. That slogan sounds like something one of our mothers would come up with after leaving church or something. Yay, spirit!

As for 2011, what would be a good slogan?

"Notre Dame football: Celebrating one bowl win since our freshmen were born."

"Notre Dame football: Too sexy for a conference."

"Notre Dame football: Reminiscing with IU basketball fans about the mid-to-late '80s for a quarter century."

"Notre Dame football: Remember when we mattered?"

"Notre Dame football -- It was honestly a beautiful day."

Please feel free to improve upon these.

Jimmy Clausen Finally Pays For Being an Insufferable Jerk

From the moment he arrived at Notre Dame, we detested this punk. No, wait, check that.... from the moment he arrived at the College Football Hall of Fame in a limousine (presumably thinking it was like his prom), flashing high school championship rings (exactly four years to the day before he didn't get selected in the first round last night), and announcing he was going to Notre Dame, we loathed this douche.

We get accused of being too negative sometimes. We get accused of hating and not representing Purdue fans well. However, most of you, we think, come here at least partly because you like the sarcastic, sharp-tongued nastiness we sometimes espouse. And this is one of those examples where, I think you'll see the record reflects, we were right....again.

Jimmy Clausen was projected to be a star. He was going to be perfect for Chuck Weis' system, since it would basically be like playing in the NFL but against college teams. And then Jimmy barely survived his freshman year and the Domers went 3-9.

"But just wait until we get some guys for Jimmy to play with!" we kept hearing. Then you'll all be sorry. And then Jimmy went on to have two .500 seasons, following one with a bowl win over a less-than-mediocre Hawaii team, to run UND's record in the JC era (that's Jimmy Clausen, not the other JC, though I'm sure Jimmy sees them as similar) to 16-21. Wow. Impressive.

Jimmy, on one of his last weekends as a college football player, then managed to get his lights punched out in a restaurant/bar in South Bend. Of course, the story is that he was jumped by hoodlums (or an "irate fan"), because, as I'm sure we can all agree, this guy is just too damn sweet to have said or done anything obnoxious that might have precipitated someone wanting to spin his head around.

On his way out of office, Emperor Weis advised Jimmy Heisman and Golden Tate to declare for the draft. You know the cliches...they were "ready" and had "nothing more to accomplish." Nothing more than, you know, having a season with fewer than six losses. Or a regular season over .500. Or a win against USC.

Jimmy-boy then went and sat down with Jon Gruden for Gruden's Draft Camp routine, where Gruden -- I guess -- gives the kids advice and they watch some film, etc. From what I understand, the exchanges in this video (and some that aren't included in the clip I was able to find) were definitely talked about at the draft. Namely, the part where Pickles blames pretty much everyone else besides himself when things go wrong. Gruden clearly doesn't like what he's hearing in that regard and is doing his best to warn Clausen that isn't going to fly with the adults. Of course, Jimmy yes-es the Super Bowl winning coach and doesn't maintain eye contact -- dismissive, much? And where do you think Jimmy learned how to throw teammates under the bus?

Why, the master himself, Chuck Weis. The guy who loved to hear himself drone on and on during press conferences, saying things about certain guys didn't do this or that and then saying, "but it's on me." You know, the most disingenuous douche out there.

The point of all this rambling? Well, it's just that character has become a bigger deal to NFL teams over the years. And while being an insufferable a-hole to people gets guys like Clausen through high school and even through a place like ND, it does not work as well at the NFL level. This morning on the radio, I heard that at least two teams had Clausen rated higher than Sam Bradford (as per Peter King) but that Bradford's character is unquestioned, while Clausen's is a concern. Huh, interesting. Sounds like another UND QB who's always been a douche.

As reader Gregg Z sums up:

"Neither Jimmy 'Avatar' Clausen nor Golden Tate were picked in the first round, despite being ahem, "encouraged" by Weis to declare for the draft. Certain Domer faithful see this as Charlie's scorched Earth policy, robbing Kelly of key talent on his way out in hopes of burnishing his own image as an offensive mastermind. But whatever.

The Germans have a word for it-- schadenfreude-- satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune. Not that Clausen or Tate aren't going to be multimillionaires in the next 2 days, but these guys seemed to believe (or were told by their barely-competent fired coach) they were First-round material. Like Nelson from The Simpsons says: Ha ha!"

Indeed. These guys could have come back to UND and played under a new coach who loves to throw the ball and, really, aside from injury risk, what would be the harm? Finishing out of the bowls again? Big deal. Maybe one of them would actually have wound up being a first-round pick.

Regardless, Jimmy Clausen is now considered a character risk, which is something we knew a long, long time ago.

Nothing Says Stand-Up Guy Like Ducking Media Obligations

Thanks for the support, guys! See ya, suckers!

In recent weeks, Charlie Weis has become less and less arrogant-sounding and more and more contrite, even admitting last weekend that he wouldn't blame UND if they cut him loose (his buyout will cushion the fall, of course). Reports circulated that he had cleaned out his office, though who knows if those are accurate. AD Swarbrick told Weis not to go on his west coast recruiting trip and instead head right back to UND after Saturday's inevitable loss to Stanford. And Charlie is now apparently telling friends that he's had contact with at least six NFL teams about coordinator positions.

Speaking of that last point, if I were Notre Dame, I might view that as tampering or maybe Charlie acting inappropriately, and I might try to reduce his buyout as a result. BC fired their coach for listening to other job offers -- how is this any different? Notre Dame is still paying Chuck a lot to be their coach. If his instructions are to lay low, he should lay low and not be fielding job offers. But I digress.

UND lost their last game of the season -- and fourth consecutive -- to finish 6-6, a mere one game better than our rebuilding Purdue program. So about 25 seconds of that September game against them is now all that stands between them being sub-.500 and Purdue in a bowl game. Interesting, given the star-talent on that squad.

After the game, everyone was of course eager to hear from the coach. He had shunned an interview during the game and so this was the first chance to talk to him about this game and his future. As I've said before, part of being paid all these gobs of money is being required to speak to the media and, by extension, the fans. Not doing so is a giant "F U" to all of us. And also, maybe more tellingly, to his players.

These guys stood up for Coach Weis in recent weeks, talking about how they would want him back. Current and former players said firing him would be a mistake. Even after the Stanford loss, when his defense did him no favors, Jimmy "Shiner" Clausen said he wouldn't be at Notre Dame without Coach Weis' influence. Golden Tate said the coach has played a huge part in his development. High praise, and the players have consistently defended their embattled coach.

And how did he pay them back?

By not showing up to speak to the media and leaving his 18-22 year old players to answer questions about the coach's future at Notre Dame. Questions they have no idea how to answer, nor should they. It's awkward and embarrassing and something they should not have to deal with.

But that's what you get with this kind of classy guy.

UND "Fans" Continue Insisting They Know Who "Rivals" Are

Here we go. Let the minimizing of Purdue begin. We're not allowed to think of Notre Dame as a rival, it appears. Playing for 64 straight years and counting doesn't establish a rivalry, I guess.

This article, from the unbiased WNDU.com, refers to Purdue as a "rival" of Notre Dame. Yes, writer Angela DeCarlo put it in quotes. Because, you know, as she says:

On Saturday, Notre Dame and Purdue will meet for the 81st time. For the Irish, it's pretty much like any other game. But for the Boilers, it's one of their biggest of the season.

Indeed. Because we're just little Purdue. We're meaningless. We get it. Also, Angela... you're an ass. If you want to let Angela know she's an ass, feel free: angelo.dicarlo@wndu.com. It's not like she has anything else to do in South Bend.

And then there are the ultimate mouth-breathing, excuse-makers... these clowns.

That link is yet another wonderful example of the stupendously blinding arrogance that goes with -- and is required for -- Notre Dame fandom.

They go through each team they play and belittle any team that "claims" Notre Dame is a rival. And the only one they say is a rival? USC, of course. And, class, do you know who USC's rival is? That's right, UCLA.

And as for Purdue?

Purdue (zzzzzzzz) -- claim to be a rival. Not even close. Not even close to within eyesight of a range in the proximity of close to being a rival.

Okay. Uh, guess what, fellas? You don't get to decide. Many programs hate Notre Dame because of reasons that people like you personify!

Purdue and Notre Dame have met 80 times. They're both in Indiana. They've met every year since 1949. (You know, back when Notre Dame was relevant in the way they believe they still are.) And they even play for a rivalry trophy. I know, I know, wait! Don't tell me! It means more to us than to you! Right? How'd I know you imbeciles would say that?

I guess in the end they're right. It's not a rivalry. Indiana is our rival. It's hard for Notre Dame to have a rival, being without a true conference affiliation. In those situations, I guess you just make up who your rival is, and in this case, they've chosen a program -- USC -- that should make anyone laugh out loud when hearing the two football programs compared. Sure, in the 1940s, Notre Dame had a claim. Not anymore.

They wrap up yet another stellar piece of fifth-grade level writing thusly:

This doesn’t, and isn’t meant to, belittle our opponents that are not rivals.

Of course not. Especially those that smoke you this year.

It’s just that, by definition, any given team can only really have 1-2 rivals. We have USC. USC has us and UCLA. Pitt has WVU. Purdue has Being Awake. Michigan has Graduation Rates.

Ah, I see. You can have two rivals. That covers USC having their real one and the one Notre Dame made up. Oh, and we're still going with Purdue being "boring," eh? Solid.

So how does this happen? How can we be everyone’s rival?

You're not.

We’re ND. That’s how.

Teams look at Notre Dame on the schedule, and they circle the game. They get fired up. Their fans get fired up. This is why ND gets the best from its opponents week in and week out – for THEM, it’s a rivalry game.

No, most teams, fans, players, mascots, concession stand workers, policemen, parking attendants and other rational human beings.... they all just hate you and your arrogance. Posts like this are supporting exhibits.

For US, it’s another week. Which makes the challenge even that much greater.

Ah, here we go. The patented, Notre Dame, our wins should be valued more because they're even HARDER than your wins. This is similar to how whenever they lose, the other team or QB is just amazing -- they'd have to be in order to beat the Domers, right? I mean, either that or the officials are to blame.

No matter how boring Purdue might be, for them this is a rivalry game, and they’ll give us their best shot (as boring as that shot may be), and a much better shot than they gave NIU.

I hope the players think Purdue is boring, too. You assclown.

ND needs to be ready, each and every week. After all, almost every week is Rivalry Week when you’re Notre Dame, right?

Only in your head. As I said, I guess it's just as good as any excuse to explain why you lose -- other teams get more "up" for Notre Dame, so it's harder to win.

Yes, we get it. We're not your rival. And that's fine.

We still hate you.

Few Things Encapsulate UND Arrogance Like The Shirt

Whenever you're one of the most arrogant (despite irrelevance) programs in any sport, you always seem to think it's okay to refer to your own traditions and commonplace activities with the royal "The" before it. Like with "The Shirt," Notre Dame's sad, sad tradition of creating a student section shirt every year, and then cobbling together 9th-grade caliber prose to promote it.

Consider this year's theme -- "Rise and Strike."

First off, rise from what? I thought UND was at the top of their game? Their bowl game domination over Hawaii propelled them to 7-6! And 10-15 over the past two seasons! Notre Dame is back, baby!

But look closer at the literary genius that some UND alum's slow-witted child (I'm just guessing) wrote:

If there is one thing that unites the global Notre Dame community, it is football.

Absolutely. Clearly, everyone is united in support of UND football.

With minds racing and hearts beating wildly, they watch every second of every game.

Well, maybe not every second of every game.

They rejoice in the unrestrained exhilaration of victory and solemnly embrace the humility of defeat.

Solemnly embrace? Yes, I think we can all agree, there's no one classier than a Notre Dame fan, especially after a victory. And when they lose, they're also very humble.

In many ways they are just as important to Notre Dame as the players they so passionately follow. For—with every snap, every pass, every tackle and touchdown—they band together with their football team to defend the honor of Notre Dame.

I'm sorry, I just got choked up a little. Will Rudy be making an appearance soon? "Defend on the honor of Notre Dame"? Was Notre Dame rubbed up on inappropriately by a frat boy in a disco? Who writes this drivel?

In truth, the honor of Notre Dame is equal parts academic and athletic. Few universities have as stellar an academic reputation as Notre Dame,

Not quite as stellar as they believe, of course.

and Notre Dame has many famed athletic programs, not the least of which is football.

Really? What's more "famed"? The women's basketball program? Softball? Clue me in here.

With eleven consensus national championships, seven Heisman Trophy winners, and 103 winning seasons in 121 years of football—Notre Dame definitely possesses a tradition of football excellence unmatched by any other university in the world.

Yes, with seven of the 11 championships coming before 1950. And 100% of them coming before almost anyone on the roster was born. Relevancy is fun!

However, the fans, students, athletes, and alumni of Notre Dame cannot forever hide behind that tradition of honor. In fact, if they do not defend that honor both on and off the gridiron, it will surely tarnish and fade.

This is pure gibberish. Like when a 9th-grader has to finish a report and is 30 words away from the minimum. Honor cannot "tarnish" or "fade." That's just stupid.

So Rise and Strike, loyal Notre Dame fans and alums. Like Charlie at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

News Bulletin: Fat Charlie Remains Classy

Charlie Weis, the most sanctimonious prick working in college football today (and remember, that's a prick-filled club) continued his completely intolerable -- and, frankly, unjustified -- arrogance in his media day press conference at the Dame of Notre last week.

Leaving aside his many 150-words-where-25-will-do answers that really say nothing, we'll just look at Fat Charlie's answers when asked about the very legitimate issue of his "star" QB's potential underage drinking...

REPORTER: Your thoughts on the pictures that appeared online earlier this week and what happens from here?

COACH WEIS: I'm going to answer that in two sentences. First of all, I think the obvious thing, on a serious note, I think it's important that I don't condone underage drinking. I think that's important to say. But that being said and no sarcastic moment really meant to be, but give me a break. Let's move on on.

Well, that's five sentences. And you didn't really answer it. So you don't condone underage drinking, but your answer when asked about your underage quarterback (among others) drinking is.... "give me a break"? Why don't more people call this jerk-off out? This is ridiculous.

REPORTER: Well, let me ask you this --

COACH WEIS: Let's move on.

Ah, nooo... see, fat boy, you're responsible for answering questions at a press conference. In fact, I'm willing to bet it's in your contract.

REPORTER: I'm going to ask you this question anyway. The players, let's face it, they are underage and they pose for a picture in a situation that allegedly is questionable. They were in a position where they were allegedly drinking. Your thoughts on that?

COACH WEIS: Alleged by who?

REPORTER: The website said they were participating in something called the Beer Olympics.

COACH WEIS: I said let's give them a break and let's move on. That's as far as I'm going to say. I'm not going to take it any further than that.

Oh, you said to give them a break. Well, no actually, you said "Give me a break" in the dismissive, get-a-life, I'm-trying-to-make-you-feel-silly-for-asking-that-question way. Nice try, though.

REPORTER: Not going to be any discipline?

COACH WEIS: Let's move on on.

Honestly, yes, we think this guy's a joke. But more seriously, how far can he go? How far should he be ALLOWED to go? Sometimes -- wrongly -- coaches in major college sports are allowed a lot more rope than they should get. And those are usually guys who manage to win and thus make the school a lot of money. I don't think The Big Manatee has cost ND any money yet (see their big NBC contract renewal) but he's not really all that successful, either. Especially by their fantasyland "standards."

But yeah, by all means, keep being a complete dilweed, Charlie. You're just like Bill Belichick, whom you clearly learned this garbage from... just like him, except, you know, for the championships as a head coach.

Loser.

Kobe Is An A-Hole

As you've no doubt heard, Kobe Bryant went schitzo yesterday, perhaps thinking that radio shows heard in New York were on, like, another planet from those heard in Los Angeles.

In case you missed it, Kobe went on Screamin' Stephen A. Smith's show on ESPN Radio in New York and said he wanted to be traded from the Lakers. (For this post, we'll leave aside comments about Stephen A's atrocious, self-aggrandizing, poorly-conceived questioning style.)

Then Kobe went on Dan Patrick's national show and sounded like he might reconsider after talking to Phil Jackson, arrogantly quoting Jackson as having said, "Look Kobe, calm down, we'll figure this out."

Then Kobe went on a radio show in L.A. and said he hopes something can be done because he doesn't want to go anywhere and that the Lakers are his team.

Wha..?

Last night on Sportscenter, the crew at the Spurs-Jazz game (Patrick, Jon Barry, Mike Wilbon and Screamin' Stephen) debated the issue, and Stephen A., to nobody's surprise, "has no problem" with Kobe's approach, saying that if the organization isn't going to try to win, he can do things like this.

Right.

Obviously, it's no surprise that Stephen A. Smith sided with the Grade-A Asshole, Kobe Bryant -- Stephen A wants so desperately to be buddies will all the players in the hopes that he might be their boy.

The point is, anyone who is defending Kobe is clueless or a suck-up. Kobe isn't doing this because he "just wants to win." He doesn't do anything for any purpose other than to further his own self-interests. Kobe thinks about Kobe first, second and third.

Let's not forget...

Kobe cheated on his gorgeous wife -- most likely many times, but at least one, very well-publicized time.

Kobe openly disliked Phil Jackson and Shaq and got both out of LA. Whether he specifically demanded it or not, it's immaterial -- the team chose him over those two because it was obvious a choice had to be made. I'm fairly sure that if Kobe went in to Lakers management and said he wanted both Shaq and Phil to stay, the team might well have considered it.

As for on-court, how about Kobe's flailing arms that cracked the face of more tha one opponent this season? And so blatantly that he had to be suspended. And, of course, that's not Kobe's fault, either! Surprise! Yeah, that's part of his shooting motion! Right! Let's keep believing the crap this liar shovels out.

Now let's be realistic: Kobe is upset because he's not the main topic of conversation when it comes to the NBA. So yesterday he made himself the main topic of conversation... because he's a selfish bitch!

Kobe isn't "entitled" to do any of this, despite what you'll hear some of his defenders say. The Lakers didn't "lie" to him, as he insinuated. They paid him 17 million dollars to play basketball for them this season. He's the man in LA, just like he wanted to be. And look! They aren't winning! So what, Kobe? You're committed to playing there. If I were the Lakers, I'd sit him down after yesterday's arrogant, self-centered tantrum and say, "You're under contract, you agreed to play here and you're playing here. Knock this childish shit off."

Kobe's not the victim here -- he's what's known as a "megalomaniac." And I don't understand why more people won't call him out on this. He's a brat, a baby, and a self-absorbed asshole who lies, cheats on his wife and is generally underhanded. He won three titles thanks to Shaq, so I don't even want to hear this crap about how he just wants to win, etc. He's seen it can work in L.A., so that's BS, too. This is about Kobe wanting to make news and wanting to simply throw a public tantrum. What's great about it is that he's so arrogant, he loses sight of logic and contradicts himself in the course of just a few hours. I'm imagining this isn't how he wanted to come off looking.

I only wish he could be traded to the Memphis Grizzlies or Atlanta Hawks and play in some real bad situations, rather than the posh L.A. scene.

Bitch.