Here's a Column From a Corn-Fed Dumbass

This is Don Cunningham. He's not very bright. And he's yet another shining example of the fact that traditional media is dying not because of irresponsible bloggers, but because of lazy, pathetic writing.

Let's give Don the treatment, shall we?

His article is entitled "Huskers in the Big Ten: Count me out, please."

First of all....who cares if you approve, Don? I mean, seriously... who effing cares? Beyond that, Don starts by mocking the Big Ten in numerous ways.

No. I won't go.

Sorry. I am a traditionalist of sorts and others who are similarly burdened know my pain.

Yes, a traditionalist. A Big 12 traditionalist, if you will. The Big 12 does indeed have a storied past, going all the way back to 1996. The Big Ten's tradition? A mere 100 years more.

A road trip to Madison just isn't the same as one to Columbia.

Really? You're actually comparing Columbia, Missouri (which I had to look up) to Madison? Have you been to Madison, Wisconsin? I hate the Badgers with a fury, but it's repeatedly listed as one of the best places to road trip and among the best college towns in the country. But okay. Solid.

Where's the pizzazz in "Illini." (Besides what self-respecting school would stoop so low as to restructure their official name to get their nickname?)

Yes, "Cornhusker" is much better.

As it now stands, we are the only "NU" in our league. This new grouping doubles that number. And the other one plays football in a city. In the shadows of skyscrapers. Worse yet, Northwestern's website announces their intent to play a game at Wrigley Field.

Yes, that's right. The Wildcats at Wrigley. Somewhere Papa Bear George Halas has got to be sick.

Wait, what? I don't get it. What's wrong with Chicago? What's wrong with playing a game at Wrigley? Oh, right, Don Cunningham doesn't like cities, with all of their bustlin'. He prefers down-home football played in cornfields like in Field of Dreams, small-town people, and his wife's biscuits and gravy. That's all he needs. He's a simple man and doesn't need your horn-honking big cityfolk.

By the way, Don, do you know where Papa Bear George Halas went to school? Illinois.

Wait. The best is yet to come. Ever notice how all of the games between those northern universities have a "trophy" at stake? Minnesota-Wisconsin: Paul Bunyan's Axe. Michigan-Michigan State: Paul Bunyan's Trophy. Illinois- Purdue: The Old Oaken Bucket. Minnesota-Michigan: The Little Brown Jug.

Yeah, I don't feel like looking them all up to see how many he got wrong, but Purdue and Illinois don't play for the Old Oaken Bucket. Nice try, though. See, when you're insulting a large group, it's best to have your basic facts right since so much else of what you're saying is so very stupid.

Evidently these folks spend their time drinking or chopping.

As opposed to the Big 12, where in places like Austin, Texas and Norman, Oklahoma the lasses are pure and the townspeople are sober and hard-working. And not "chopping," kind of work, either!

Not only am I not showing up, I might not ever leave my house again.

Promise?

You want to talk academic excellence? Why join a group of esteemed institutions who refuse to correctly reflect their membership in their title?

Do you REALLY want to go there, Don? Do you REALLY want to compare the Big Ten and Big 12 academically? Let me answer my rhetorical question for you: No, you do not.

Might pay to divide the conference membership in half - calling the Eastern bloc The Pick Six and the Western front The Deep Six.

Wow, this is just utter nonsense. Don had a higher word count required -- like with a 6th-grader's paper -- and so he threw together some words. I also suspect he felt he was being clever by using "bloc" to insinuate the Big Ten are a bunch of commies.

Volleyball competition will be limited to one game, Penn State/Nebraska. To be played at Wrigley Field on Thanksgiving.

Don, what the hell is wrong with you? Is this supposed to be funny...I guess?

Men's basketball? Well there will be new gyms in which to embarrass ourselves. That's a plus. No. Not really.

Ah, so there's part of the truth. You're just afraid. Afraid of change. You're an old man, I should have known.

I suppose the yet-to-be-created divisional football championship game will have a catchy crown title too.

The Ox Tail Trophy. Blue. It'll be blue, no doubt.

You, sir, are a flaming moron and you should never again be allowed near a keyboard. And if I were Nebraska or the Big 12, I'd say, "Thanks, but please don't be on our side, Don."

(Thanks to Joey for the heads-up.)