Jerry Jones Would Like You To Know He Has A Big Penis

Plans were unveiled for a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys yesterday because apparently 176 luxury suites are just so 1971... at least in Texas.

Pulling some info from the story...

With a glowing, glass facade, humongous sliding doors that can open both ends and 80,000 seats — 100,000, if necessary — the Cowboys sure are aiming for the kind of showplace you’d expect from a club that bills itself as “America’s Team.”

Yes, "bills itself" is appropriate. They might think they're America's team but they're also most likely the most hated football team in America, as well. And won't it be just great when the Cowboys suck again and their 80,000 seat stadium only has 50,000 people in it?

The Cowboys initially projected the stadium to cost $650 million. In November 2004, Arlington voters agreed to pay for $325 million of it as long as the club paid for any overruns.

The skyrocketing tab is worth every penny to Jones, a former oil wildcatter-turned-billionaire who loves making a splash as much as he loves winning championships.

"Wildcatter"? Okay. And yes, he enjoys making a splash because he's a narcissistic jackass who can't stand for the focus to be off of him for two seconds. Oh, it's going to cost over a billion. Nice projection ($650 mill), people. Good accounting.

One of the ends is aimed to be a signature “365 entry,” meaning it’ll be a gathering point every day of the year.

“Really, truly, it is the front door,” said Bryan Trubey, principal designer for HKS Architects Sports & Entertainment group. “Jerry and his family insisted on making a civic entryway.”

What? I don't even understand this jibber-jabber.

Then there’s the next step in luxury suites: Field-level boxes, including an area that also will serve as the team’s entry point to the field, letting fans personally wish players good luck before kickoff.

Or to tell them how much they suck after a bad half and the fan wants to remind the players that he paid $15,000 for his "personal seat license."

With so much to cram in, the new stadium will certainly live up to the saying that everything is bigger in Texas. At 2.3 million square feet, it’s more than 2½ times the size of Texas Stadium.

That's just ridonkulous.

Texas Stadium’s most distinct feature is the strange top, jokingly said to be “so God can watch his team play,” but really a result of financial and structural problems.

They must have hired Texan engineers to build it. Or IU grads.