Patriot Haughtiness Extends to Blonde Writers

It's sort of hard to believe how arrogantly, obnoxiously, douchbaggily haughty this broad, Jessica Heslam is being in this recent article.

Sure, I realize she may be writing this article just to stir things up and perhaps make a name for herself... in fact, I hope she's not at all serious with this article because if she is, she's simply epitomizing why so many of us hate Boston-area fans and citizens. I know, I know, there are those of you out there who "aren't so bad," and I concede that this must be true. You can't all be a-holes. But this is coming from the Boston Herald, so maybe you need new voices.

Her article is flat-out stating that Pats fans are "smarter, classier and healthier and own pricier homes" than Giants fans. Wow, is that obnoxious right from the first line.

She gets her statistics from Neilsen Media, which has never been wrong before about indicating numerical ratings.

What's funny though is that she makes obnoxious comments and assumptions in the article I linked above and then there's another link provided by the paper that gives the raw stats she uses as the basis for her douchbaginess.

So for example, in her article she says the following:

Pats fans consistently show better taste than their Gotham counterparts, according to Nielsen. We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light. Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.

Well, the first line is a little disingenuous. She makes it sound like Neilsen concluded that Pats fans have better taste when this is just her analysis. That's slippery ground, blondie. Hope Neilsen doesn't see.

And then her rip on Giants fans for not drinking Amstel Light... well... I've had my share of beer and Amstel is atrocious. But hey, if the statistics say Giants fans drink Bud Light, then I guess she's entitled to this line. Oh, but wait... according to the actual marketing facts provided by Neilsen, "Giants fans prefer Anchor Steam and Sierra Nevada beer." Oh, so Jessica made that Bud Light thing up. Cool. Good journalism. What else does this expert on classiness have to say?

"We are likely to read connoisseur magazines like Wine Spectator. Gotham fans like to pig out on junk food like pretzels, chips and nuts. They’re also less likely to favor organic food than other New Yorkers."

Why are you comparing Giant fans to "other New Yorkers"? I thought the comparison was to Pats fans. I'm sleepy.

And, yes, I'm absolutely certain that most Boston-based sports fans read magazines like f-cking Wine Spectator.

Give. Me. A. Break. Most Boston-based fans can't spell "Spectator."

Here's another shot across the bow by little Jessica:

"Giants tailgaters are conspicuous consumers who party off the backs of Land Rovers and showy BMW SUVs. Pats fans are more likely to tailgate off the back of an understated Lexus or a sturdy Volvo SUV."

This is the height of ignorant, girly writing. Yes, Land Rovers and BMWs are "showy," but Lexuses and Volvos are... "understated" and "sturdy"? The hell? Was she high when she wrote this? And what editor lets her turn this in and doesn't say, "Um, the hell? Jessica, this doesn't even make sense." That ridiculous comparison is like saying, "Your team's fans are fat because they eat ring dings and devil dogs... but see, we're husky because we eat fried food. We're better!"

When Pats revelers aren’t watching football, they’re hitting the slopes skiing or going for a sail. They’re also more likely to belong to country clubs.

And this makes you more classy? Or more haughty? Or more clueless?

When Giants fans aren’t booing Giants coach Tom Coughlin or punk quarterback Eli Manning in that New Jersey stadium they call home, they’re out practicing their tennis backhands in the backyard.

I don't even get this barb at Giants fans. "...they’re out practicing their tennis backhands in the backyard"? What does that even mean? And yeah, Giants fans are non-classy because they boo. Right. Because that never goes on in Boston. An excellent point. You guys are always forgiving to your sports stars.

None of these marketing revelations came as a surprise to Mike Schuster, 45, who lives in the shadow of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro.

“Boston fans are much classier,” said Schuster, a real estate agent and software consultant who is heading out to Arizona for the Super Bowl. “Have you ever been to Yankee stadium? I mean, they boo their own players.”

“Bostonians, in general, are better educated,” Schuster added. “New Yorkers have to send their kids to Boston to educate them.”

Well, I stand corrected. Mike Schuster of Foxboro, Mass thinks Boston fans are classier.... and better educated! That settles it then! Because I'm sure he's neutral in this debate! More facts laid down with zero backup! Nicely done, woman-who-has-a-job-where-she's-paid-to-write-but-should-be-cleaning-up-monkey-piss-at-the-zoo!

And yes, Mike Shuster, players get booed at Yankee Stadium. Of course, in Fenway, Sully, Mikey and Will Hunting hurl racial epithets at fans and players alike. Players have even thought of Boston as a racist city for many years. Wonder why that is. You're right, though -- classy! Keep wearing your Wes Welker jersey, Mike Schuster!

More from Jessica Heslam, whom I'm more and more thinking slept her way to this job (See? Random generalizations are fun!):

"Pats fans are also more Web savvy, some 63 percent have broadband Internet connection."

Why is this good stuff? Because there's no stat about Giants fans broadband Internet access! Way to sock it to 'em, Jessica! And, actually, according to the link with the actual Neilsen facts, "Two out of three Pats fans have a broadband Internet connection," which means 67%, not 63% as she quotes. Nicely done, you better-educated, more classy individual! (She also screws up the percentage of women who are G-men fans. The Neilsen link says 1 in 3 [33%] and she quotes it as 31% -- somebody didn't study hard in Statistics class. Too busy under the desk, most likely.)

If you really wanted to destroy her argument you could look at the stat that says 15% of Pats fans have an income over $150K while 40% of Giants fans have an income over $100K. Why they don't report similar baselines, I don't know... but it sure doesn't sound like the Pats fans are more well-to-do as Jessica wants you to think. Maybe she always wanted to be more of a richy, NY-like socialite but was stuck in Walpole, Mass and this is her way to act out. Or maybe, as I said earlier, she is just angry.

The grand finale of her article is this:

Of course, though we may hate to admit it, fans on both sides of the turf do have some similarities. The Nielsen data indicate that Pats and Giants fans are both likely to live in “affluent” suburbs or rural neighborhoods. They both buy “above average” amounts of beer, too, and they like to garden.

I swear I didn't edit that. It ends like a third-grader's report on the founding fathers. "Benjamin Franklin also invented bifocals and he liked to garden. The end."

Writing an article supposedly about "facts" and then making up your own facts and drawing ridiculous conclusions, such as, you know, an entire fanbase being more "classy" than another -- solid. And totally classy.