Even Three Minutes of ESPYs Too Much

I could write a whole column about how horrible the ESPYs are, but what's the point? That show is equivalent to the proverbial fish in the barrel. (The photo shows one of the apparent ongoing gags used, showing fake Tweets -- topical!)

However, last night I stumbled onto it (the rerun, I guess, since it was late at night) and watched for only about three minutes before I wanted to put a hot poker into my eyeballs.

There was a skit going on wherein Samuel L. Jackson and Justin Fruitcake Timberlake were smacking around a golf ball and Jackson's was rattling off streets and buildings and pianos, etc., ad nauseam. Eventually, Jackson smacks his ball... into outer space. Hilarious. And really clever. If only McDonalds didn't have the same kind of routine going 16 years ago.

Then again, this stupid "awards show" isn't even live. In 2009. They taped it last Wednesday and then ran it last night. So if you even cared about these meaningless awards, you would already know the results. Oh, and you know how during movie trailers, they say things like "Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman"? Is ESPN hoping that for a lead-in to the Masters one year, Jim Nantz will breathlessly say, "Multiple ESPY-winner Tiger Woods goes for another green jacket"? I mean, what's the point of this sh-tshow?

Oh, right. For ESPN to lavishly spend money and beg people to pretend they care. Ugh, what a debacle. The only one I ever remember being decent was the very first one, and probably just because of Jim Valvano's impassioned speech on living your life, which you should watch at least once a year if you do not already.

So at least something good came out of this train wreck. But it's time to put it out to pasture. It's boring, it's hackneyed, nobody cares about it and it truly means absolutely nothing.