Frye Guys? Bye guys!

The Browns have traded Charlie Frye to the Seattle Seahawks for a sixth round draft pick. They gave him 37 seconds of play time in the first half of the first game before deciding he clearly wasn't the answer. Well done, coaching staff! That's the way to emulate Super Bowl contenders! Yank your starting quarterback as soon as you can and then trade him. Don't bother to improve your offensive line first. I still think the Browns would be better off if they just had a center, a QB, and 9 wide receivers. Really spread that field.

The defensive pass rush wouldn't be that much improved against the center as they are against the whole offensive line. The strategy of Cleveland offensive linemen has typically been to fall down and play possum as soon as the ball is snapped.

Hopefully they can follow the Tim Couch model and throw rookie quarterbacks under to bus to the point where they need repeated surgeries to repair their arms after the massive beatings they've been subjected to.

I have an idea Romeo... just hit Brady Quinn with a tire jack before the next game, tie his legs together, and then put him in the game. The idiots in the stands will surely cheer. After 15 games and 98 sacks, Quinn will be well on his way.

Here's another idea. DRAFT. OFFENSIVE. LINEMEN.

With every pick.

For the next 10 years.

Can you hold? I got a guy on the other line who wants to buy some whitewalls...

You asked me what the attitude was in Cleveland right now. You want to know what the attitude is? The other day people were talking about the Browns starting training camp in a few months. The freaking Browns! The Indians are leading their division. The Cavaliers are in the NBA Finals. Those freaking guys were talking about the Browns.

So, what does that tell you about the attitude of Clevelanders? First, it tells me that they're stupid. Second, it tells me that this is a football town forever. Regardless of how bad the Browns are you'll have people who can't wait for the season to start.

I predict that the Indians could go 162-0 and sweep their way through the playoffs and you'd still have idiots wanting to talk about pre-season football.

How many years of suffering can you people take?!?! The Browns are TERRIBLE! The quicker you realize it, the happier you'll be. Look at me. Can't you tell that I'm happy?!?! The Browns ARE NOT going to the playoffs this year. The Indians very well could and the Cavs are 4 wins away from being champs. Stop talking about the Browns!

What Say You, Clevelander?

It's time for our resident Clevelander to step up to the mike and tell us what's going on. LeBron is single-handedly carrying the Cavs to the NBA Finals and has many people jumping on board the bandwagon. Our very own co-author Tim from right here at Boiled Sports grew up in the Cleveland suburbs and continues to live there now.

In college, we were subjected to his Cavs jacket, his Craig Ehlo posters and his insistence that Mark Price was the best clutch free-throw shooter of all time and should be in the Hall of Fame.

I got to hear all about how Michael Jordan ruined his childhood, with some significant help from John Elway.

I had to watch as the Indians went to two World Series during our college years and lost series that they should have won both times.

And now the Cavs are in the NBA Finals for the first time ever. And we need to hear from Tim. What this means to him, what he's feeling right now, what the mood is like in Cleveland. I mean, we have a reporter on site for the NBA Finals! We need to put him to good use.

So, Tim, please step up and tell us what's going on. And continue to do so during the Finals. You owe it to yourself and Cleveland to entertain us on the inner workings of a Cleveland fan's brain.

Brady Quinn Draft Diary

It's no secret that we aren't big fans of Notre Dame around here. That's what happens when you end up being humbled for a few decades by one particular, in-state rival, while that rival is becoming more and more overrated and signs exclusive network TV deals even though they play the armed services as part of their challenging schedule every year. Ah, but I digress.

We asked Brady Quinn if he wanted to bury the hatchet and do a diary for us on the day of the NFL draft. Many pundits had Quinn going #3 to the Browns so we thought this could be fun as Brady realizes his true calling as a top-tier draft pick.

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11:45 AM: Hey, everybody! Brady Quinn here! I am psyched for the draft and ready to sign my big contract. Aren't I pretty? The lady of the evening that Drew Rosenhaus sent me last night sure liked me. I think I have a chance to go number 1 today. I mean, I know I've been projected at number 3 but, really, the Raiders need a QB and I was coached by Charlie Weis, so we all know I'm practically an NFL quarterback already, right? And besides, this JaMarcus Russell -- who the hell heard of him before my team put him on the map in January in the bowl game? We made Russell who he is, so really, he should be thanking us. And who doesn't what a white, pretty-boy, sparkling smile QB as their team leader?

11:58 AM: I have to be honest, I hope Cleveland doesn't take me. But I will be a good soldier if they do. I mean, it's Cleveland, right? They wear those hideous orange uniforms sometimes. I don't know if I can do that. I might just have to petition the team to change to navy blue with gold helmets. I look stout in those. Hey, that would be creative. I could hold out until they change their color scheme. And retire my number immediately. Bitches.

12:15PM: Okay, so Oakland just took JaMarcus Russell. Bogus. He's so overrated. Hey, he was only a junior! I was a senior! Seniors rule! And you know, I keep hearing about Russell being able to throw the ball like 75 yards from his knees. Whatever. I know a lot about holding balls while on my knees, and I don't think that's really possible. I mean, who can't throw a ball 75 yards? I throw for more than 300 yards all the time at Notre Dame. Oh, wait, Calvin Johnson just told me Russell can do that on one throw. Whatever. Not possible. And besides, if you're on your knees, you're considered down aren't you? Yeah, that's what I thought. That's a Notre Dame graduate brain for you, boys. Better represent.

12:28 PM: Alright, Detroit always sucks, too, and they need a QB. I mean, when don't they need a QB? And they play in a dome. I can get down with that. And the #2 pick makes serious dough, too. Here we go...

12:32 PM: F-ck! They took Calvin Johnson. Yeah, nice move, Millen. Who's going to throw to him, you putz? Shit, this probably means I'm going to Cleveland. Oh, well, it'll be fine. I like Cleveland. I like snow. I like Ohio. These aren't tears in my eyes, really... it's just kind of dry in this room. And I yawned.

12:45 PM: Wow, that was embarrassing. I stood up and was halfway to the podium before I realized Cleveland didn't pick me. That has to be a mistake. Maybe this dipshit Goodell can't read my name. It's not that hard, man! "Joe Thomas" doesn't sound anything like "Brady Quinn." Brady Quinn. God, that's sexy. I love hearing my name. Especially when someone shouts it in an orgasmic fit of ecstacy.

12:55 PM: Okay, I'm okay with this. We can roll with Tampa. It's warm there, it's not Cleveland, their existing QB had his spleen busted last year. I could rule that town.

1:15 PM: This isn't even funny. Tampa picked some guy I've never heard of. He played for Clementine or something. This is wack.

2:25 PM: I was giving my diary the silent treatment for a while there. I am so mad. Some more shitty teams passed me up. Arizona, Washington and Minnesota... none of you could use a beautiful man such as myself? Get real.

2:40 PM: Atlanta just picked Jamaal Anderson. Come on, now I know you're all f-cking with me. He played for them, like, when I was in high school.

2:55 PM: Okay, now Miami us up. This is it. And it's awesome. All those experts said for a long time that Miami was hot for me. And that's cool. Miami would be perfect for my tanning goals and in the off-season, I think Alex Rodriguez lives there. I can't tell you how many times I've been watching a Yankee game and fallen into a daydream about horsing around with Alex on a beach, talking sports, visiting the sauna.... cracking each other on the ass with wet towels.

3:05 PM: Just had to text Alex back and tell him Miami didn't take me after all. This is not cool. Seriously. Have none of these teams seen me flex? I'm a damn Adonis!

4:35 PM: Houston, San Fran, Buffalo, St. Louis, Jets, Pittsburgh... you can all suck it. I can't believe you'd pass me up. I'm NFL-ready, I tell you! Even Charlie Weis says so!

5:15 PM: I can't believe this. Guys are getting to walk up there and smile who nobody has heard of. I mean, who are these guys? I know they don't play for Notre Dame and I don't recognize anybody from our games against Army, Navy and Vanderbilt. This is so confusing. Am I even at the right draft? Maybe today's day 2 and I was picked yesterday. Yeah, that's probably it.

5:30 PM: Okay, the Giants are next. That would be great. Screw this Eli Manning kid -- he clearly isn't NFL-ready. I could take New York by storm. I hear there are lots of fun bars in "the village" in New York. Sounds like my kind of place.

5:32 PM: Bastards. I hate New York. Plus someone just told me the Giants don't even play in New York. That's completely misrepresenting. I don't like it.

5:45 PM: Wait, what just happened? I got picked! Hell yeah! Wait, let me look at this booklet I have... who had the number 22 pick? Dallas! DALLAS! YEEEAHHH, bitches! I guess Tony Romo really did end his time there with that botch in the playoffs! Awesome. I belong in a place like Dallas, playing for a franchise about as arrogant and entitled as my college program. Excellent.

5:46 PM: I don't think this Goodell guy was ready to be the commissioner at all. He just gave me a Cleveland Browns hat instead of a Cowboys hat. Ha ha, real funny commish. I get it, yeah, close call with the Browns. Good thing I'll be a Cowboy! Wahoo!

5:50 PM: Everyone around me is keeping up this joke that I am actually a member of the Browns. Yeah, okay, guys, I get it... it's funny but it's not that funny. When do I get interviewed about the future of the Cowboys and playing for Jerry Jones?

6:05 PM: Apparently, there was some kind of administrative mixup and my rights have been signed over to the Browns. I'm sure the Cowboys will fight this since I am not the kind of prized possesion you just let go of without a fight. I'll be polite to these Cleveland people calling me on the horn but only to a point -- I might have to steamroll them when I'm quarterbacking the Cowboys next season.

This is Brady Quinn, out.

How's the offensive line?

Please pardon me while I lose my impartiality. That is to say; bear with me while I angrily vent about a Cleveland sports team.

If the Browns draft freaking Brady Quinn then I am going to be very angry. Hulk smash type angry.

The last thing the Browns need is another quarterback! Address the root cause of the suck for once! They need an offensive line. Draft 7 offensive linemen! That way, then all of them get hurt while walking to the first practice of the season, you'll still have people capable of playing on the OFFENSIVE LINE!

In order words, take note: Your quarterback sucks. Your running back sucks. Your receivers suck. Your defense sucks. What do they all have in common?

Exhibit A: Quarterbacks. Your quarterbacks cannot stand upright for more than 1.5 seconds because THE OFFENSIVE LINE SUCKS!

Exhibit B: Running backs. Your running backs have no holes to run through and thus average -10 yards per carry because THE OFFENSIVE LINE SUCKS!

Exhibit C: Wide receivers. The receivers are just running track out there because the quarterback isn't upright long enough to throw them the ball because THE OFFENSIVE LINE SUCKS!

Exhibit D: Defense. The defense is on the field for 59 minutes a game because the offense goes 3 and out every single time. Why are the on the field for 59 minutes a game? Because THE OFFENSIVE LINE SUCKS!

I hope that you members of the jury hear the point that I'm trying to make. Let's all say it in unison...