Reader Jason sends along the above screen grab and says "I seem to remember two of those guys at Purdue." It's always cute, though, when Purdue is called "irrelevant" or "boring," especially by "fans" of a program who produces this.
Showing posts with label handsome quarterbacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label handsome quarterbacks. Show all posts
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Cradle Alums
Reader Jason sends along the above screen grab and says "I seem to remember two of those guys at Purdue." It's always cute, though, when Purdue is called "irrelevant" or "boring," especially by "fans" of a program who produces this.
Friday, February 01, 2008
This Is What Happens When You Have Two Weeks Before the Super Bowl
You get fantasyland, weird-o articles like this one from New York sportswriters like Filip Bondy. I don't know why, but I've always had a problem with people who don't spell their names correctly and Filip is about as egregious as it gets. Names like "Thom" or "Geoff" or "Gregg" or "Trayci" or doofy things like that. I know, I know, most people are named by their parents and so it's not their fault but I'm allowed to dislike people for whatever reason I want.
It's entitled "What if Giants Didn't Pass on Brady?"
Please tell me Filip isn't going to talk about how much life "might be different" had the Giants and not the Pats drafted Handsome Tom Brady.
But after a goofy-ass intro where he talks about "Giants coach Jim Fassel" and Brady talking about the Giants "third straight Super Bowl," he says this:
February Fools' Day!
What you see there is the fantasy lead for a hypothetical column that might well have been written this week if only the Giants hadn't drafted six mediocre players ahead of Brady back in 2000.
Oh, boy. He is. I don't know where to start but I guess I could point out that articles like this are usually reserved for situations like when Sam Bowie is selected over Michael Jordan. Not when, like, 198 playes are chosen before a guy like Brady. I think we can all agree that nearly every single NFL team would like to have chosen Tom Brady over whomever they took that year. I mean, I think we've covered this. The Giants chose Ron Dayne in the first round. Others chose Peter Warrick, Deltha O'Neal, Stockar McDougle, Chris McIntosh, Leif Larson (clearly I'm just cherry-picking the funny names), Robaire Smith, Jeno James, Jabari Issa, Spergon Wynn, Mareno Philyaw... all before Handsome Tom. Hell, the Raiders used the 17th overall pick on an effing kicker! This has been covered, at length. He should have been chosen higher. He was a steal at 199th. But he was a backup in college. Nobody could have predicted this. And when fatass Bob Kraft tries to, he's a filthy liar.
What if the Giants hadn't passed on Brady? I don't know. What if it didn't snow the day I crashed my mom's Volvo in high school? What if the Nazis had passed on world domination? What if up was down and down was up? What if my grandma didn't drink so much? Who knows? Why are we asking these questions?
Anyway, Filip goes on to list many players that the Giants and others chose, much like I just did. Only he isn't as funny as me. At least, I don't think so. And he continues to re-hash really overcooked meat:
"When I came to the Patriots I was the fourth-string quarterback,” Brady said yesterday, for real. "I was eating nachos before the games, watching us in 2000, just hoping that one day I would get the opportunity.”
Then Drew Bledsoe got hurt in 2001, and the rest is Bill Belichick genius.
We know this. Everybody fricking knows this. Casual fans know this. I mean, if you asked Alice from accounting about Tom Brady, she'd know he was really handsome and wins all the time and that he took over for Drew Bledsoe and the rest is history. We all know this!
More from Bondy:
But what if things had gone very differently? What if Accorsi selected Brady with the marginal sixth pick?
The "marginal" sixth pick? What does that mean? And yes, things would have gone differently. Just like if the Trail Blazers had chosen Jordan or the Indianapolis Racers had never traded away Wayne Gretzky. Just imagine -- the Edmonton Oilers probably wouldn't exist and we'd be talking about how the city of Indianapolis is the hotbed of professional hockey, thanks to the kid from Manitoba. And everybody would bitch about the "West coast bias" of sports coverage all thanks to Michael Jordan's string of 14 straight championships in the Pacific Northwest. But that's not what happened.
But Filip is having fun playing make-believe:
Here is one scenario: Brady beats out Jason Garrett for the No. 2 spot on sheer talent. But he sits behind Collins for three long years, because Collins has a Super Bowl on his resume. Collins is streaky, and by the start of the 2003 season there is a real quarterback controversy in camp. When the Giants slip to a 2-4 start, Fassel pulls the plug on Collins and starts Brady for the first time.
Brady shines. He doesn't lead the Giants to the playoffs, but he is a galvanizing force, and this still-talented team finishes at 8-8. That is enough to save Fassel's job.
Dude, Fassel was definitely a good man and a quite-decent coach. But he was canned, like, five years ago. Time to deal with it. I thought this was about Tom Brady being a Giant, yet as ridiculous as that concept is for moderately-intelligent human beings, it's getting even more murky as we talk about who would actually be coach.
And how do you know Fassel would "pull the plug" on Collins? Collins was his boy and got them to a Super Bowl. Why am I even getting worked up over this?
In the 2004 draft, the Giants no longer need a young quarterback and keep all their picks. They choose lower in the draft, but solidify themselves by choosing defensive tackle Vince Wilfork in the middle of the first round.
The Giants continue to build around Brady through the draft - they have an extra pick in 2005, which they didn't send to the Chargers - and the team matures into a Super Bowl dynasty in 2005, 2006 and 2007.
Wow, now we're talking about how Vince Wilfork would be a Giant? He's a Patriot! Oh, wait, I see... in Filip's make-believe world, only the Giants and Patriots exist. No other well-run teams are there. No Chargers, who have built a team looking more and more ready to take the next step. No Colts, a team that has won 13 or more games for like five straight years. Nope, if the Giants took Tom Brady, they and the Pats would be jockeying for position and the Giants would be a juggernaut.
Meanwhile, the Patriots' fate is not so kind. When Bledsoe is injured in 2001, Damon Huard steps in for a few games. He's not that impressive, and so Bledsoe gets his job back when he heals. Bledsoe slowly deteriorates with age over the next two years, until Belichick decides he needs a new quarterback.
I know it's fun to make these wild, completely baseless assumptions... BUT, if I could piss on your parade for a minute, Filip, may I just point out that not having Tom Brady wouldn't suddenly make Bill Belichick a drooling moron, you know? I don't think he'd have continuted trotting Bledsoe out there as he turned into a corpse. In your alternate reality, does Mo Lewis not exist, either? Would Belichick have just played without a QB after Lewis crushed Bledsoe?
Belichick has zero championships in New England. Fassel is in his third straight Super Bowl, fourth overall, going for a second successive title. Fassel and Brady form a brilliant partnership.
Except maybe Belichick would have taken David Garrard in 2002 and been just as successful. Or maybe he would have snagged LaDanian Tomlinson. Who the hell knows? And why, Filip, do you have a mancrush on Jim Fassel?
Genius is as genius drafts - even in the sixth round.
You mean Tom Brady was taken in the sixth effing round?? Why hasn't more been made of this??
It's entitled "What if Giants Didn't Pass on Brady?"
Please tell me Filip isn't going to talk about how much life "might be different" had the Giants and not the Pats drafted Handsome Tom Brady.
But after a goofy-ass intro where he talks about "Giants coach Jim Fassel" and Brady talking about the Giants "third straight Super Bowl," he says this:
February Fools' Day!
What you see there is the fantasy lead for a hypothetical column that might well have been written this week if only the Giants hadn't drafted six mediocre players ahead of Brady back in 2000.
Oh, boy. He is. I don't know where to start but I guess I could point out that articles like this are usually reserved for situations like when Sam Bowie is selected over Michael Jordan. Not when, like, 198 playes are chosen before a guy like Brady. I think we can all agree that nearly every single NFL team would like to have chosen Tom Brady over whomever they took that year. I mean, I think we've covered this. The Giants chose Ron Dayne in the first round. Others chose Peter Warrick, Deltha O'Neal, Stockar McDougle, Chris McIntosh, Leif Larson (clearly I'm just cherry-picking the funny names), Robaire Smith, Jeno James, Jabari Issa, Spergon Wynn, Mareno Philyaw... all before Handsome Tom. Hell, the Raiders used the 17th overall pick on an effing kicker! This has been covered, at length. He should have been chosen higher. He was a steal at 199th. But he was a backup in college. Nobody could have predicted this. And when fatass Bob Kraft tries to, he's a filthy liar.
What if the Giants hadn't passed on Brady? I don't know. What if it didn't snow the day I crashed my mom's Volvo in high school? What if the Nazis had passed on world domination? What if up was down and down was up? What if my grandma didn't drink so much? Who knows? Why are we asking these questions?
Anyway, Filip goes on to list many players that the Giants and others chose, much like I just did. Only he isn't as funny as me. At least, I don't think so. And he continues to re-hash really overcooked meat:
"When I came to the Patriots I was the fourth-string quarterback,” Brady said yesterday, for real. "I was eating nachos before the games, watching us in 2000, just hoping that one day I would get the opportunity.”
Then Drew Bledsoe got hurt in 2001, and the rest is Bill Belichick genius.
We know this. Everybody fricking knows this. Casual fans know this. I mean, if you asked Alice from accounting about Tom Brady, she'd know he was really handsome and wins all the time and that he took over for Drew Bledsoe and the rest is history. We all know this!
More from Bondy:
But what if things had gone very differently? What if Accorsi selected Brady with the marginal sixth pick?
The "marginal" sixth pick? What does that mean? And yes, things would have gone differently. Just like if the Trail Blazers had chosen Jordan or the Indianapolis Racers had never traded away Wayne Gretzky. Just imagine -- the Edmonton Oilers probably wouldn't exist and we'd be talking about how the city of Indianapolis is the hotbed of professional hockey, thanks to the kid from Manitoba. And everybody would bitch about the "West coast bias" of sports coverage all thanks to Michael Jordan's string of 14 straight championships in the Pacific Northwest. But that's not what happened.
But Filip is having fun playing make-believe:
Here is one scenario: Brady beats out Jason Garrett for the No. 2 spot on sheer talent. But he sits behind Collins for three long years, because Collins has a Super Bowl on his resume. Collins is streaky, and by the start of the 2003 season there is a real quarterback controversy in camp. When the Giants slip to a 2-4 start, Fassel pulls the plug on Collins and starts Brady for the first time.
Brady shines. He doesn't lead the Giants to the playoffs, but he is a galvanizing force, and this still-talented team finishes at 8-8. That is enough to save Fassel's job.
Dude, Fassel was definitely a good man and a quite-decent coach. But he was canned, like, five years ago. Time to deal with it. I thought this was about Tom Brady being a Giant, yet as ridiculous as that concept is for moderately-intelligent human beings, it's getting even more murky as we talk about who would actually be coach.
And how do you know Fassel would "pull the plug" on Collins? Collins was his boy and got them to a Super Bowl. Why am I even getting worked up over this?
In the 2004 draft, the Giants no longer need a young quarterback and keep all their picks. They choose lower in the draft, but solidify themselves by choosing defensive tackle Vince Wilfork in the middle of the first round.
The Giants continue to build around Brady through the draft - they have an extra pick in 2005, which they didn't send to the Chargers - and the team matures into a Super Bowl dynasty in 2005, 2006 and 2007.
Wow, now we're talking about how Vince Wilfork would be a Giant? He's a Patriot! Oh, wait, I see... in Filip's make-believe world, only the Giants and Patriots exist. No other well-run teams are there. No Chargers, who have built a team looking more and more ready to take the next step. No Colts, a team that has won 13 or more games for like five straight years. Nope, if the Giants took Tom Brady, they and the Pats would be jockeying for position and the Giants would be a juggernaut.
Meanwhile, the Patriots' fate is not so kind. When Bledsoe is injured in 2001, Damon Huard steps in for a few games. He's not that impressive, and so Bledsoe gets his job back when he heals. Bledsoe slowly deteriorates with age over the next two years, until Belichick decides he needs a new quarterback.
I know it's fun to make these wild, completely baseless assumptions... BUT, if I could piss on your parade for a minute, Filip, may I just point out that not having Tom Brady wouldn't suddenly make Bill Belichick a drooling moron, you know? I don't think he'd have continuted trotting Bledsoe out there as he turned into a corpse. In your alternate reality, does Mo Lewis not exist, either? Would Belichick have just played without a QB after Lewis crushed Bledsoe?
Belichick has zero championships in New England. Fassel is in his third straight Super Bowl, fourth overall, going for a second successive title. Fassel and Brady form a brilliant partnership.
Except maybe Belichick would have taken David Garrard in 2002 and been just as successful. Or maybe he would have snagged LaDanian Tomlinson. Who the hell knows? And why, Filip, do you have a mancrush on Jim Fassel?
Genius is as genius drafts - even in the sixth round.
You mean Tom Brady was taken in the sixth effing round?? Why hasn't more been made of this??
Thursday, January 31, 2008
How to Beat Tom Brady: Sweep the Leg
So how do you beat the most handsome quarterback on the planet? The guy who has thrown 50 TDs and has guys like Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth to throw to?Well, like so many times in life, we look the The Karate Kid for answers and wisdom. I mean, honestly, who among us hasn't turned to the higher plane of thinking reserved for old, Asian handymen and the teenager they spend inordinate amounts of time with? I know I, for one, never found anything wrong with Myagi giving Daniel a car for his birthday and rubbing his hands together and then placing them on Daniel's young, nubile body. It was love, people! The purest love that can only be felt between two males separated by fifty years.
Anyway, I digress. While it's been reported that Tom Brady had that walking boot on last week in New York, he's apparently practicing and will be fine for the game on Sunday. But did you see the play that is widely agreed to be the play Handsome Tom was hurt on? It came in the first series of the AFC Championship Game and damn if that didn't look like the very definition of a high ankle sprain. Apparently, a doctor who viewed it for ESPN said he's lucky he didn't break his tibia on the play. And after seeing it, I have to agree. Maybe Brady is a robot. That would explain a lot.
Either way, why are the Giants making any bones about what they should be doing? I don't care how quickly Tom released the ball. I don't care. It takes Moss at least a few seconds to sprint downfield. Put eleven in the box and come hard and fast every single play for the entire first quarter. I don't care if Tom hits his hot reads and has three 80-yard TDs. If you get to him successfully and "sweep the leg," you know what comes next? Matt Cassel.
Matt Cassel can't even wear his helmet correctly, as you can see from this picture. Mainly because Tom Brady is a robot who never misses time. In fact, the Patriots don't even issue Cassel shouder pads. This photo is an actual game photo from the waning seconds of one of the Patriots blowout wins against the Jets. You know what's on Cassel's wrist-thingie there? Directions for him to get home at night. And no, I don't mean like, "Left at Maple Street," I mean like, "put key in ignition; turn clockwise." Good lord, he can't even spell "Castle" correctly. You think this guy could handle the Giants pass rush?
All that's standing in the way of the G-men and the Super Bowl is Tom Brady's ankle. Or his leg. Or, hell, break his throwing arm, I don't care. Just get him off the field. And like I said, I don't care if you have to bring 11-man pressure. What woud you rather face? A full game of Tom Brady picking you apart or being down, say, 21-0 after one quarter but facing Matt Cassel the rest of the way?
That's what I thought. And the way to do that is for the Giants to remember that the Patriots are the Cobra Kai and the Giants are Daniel LaRusso. Weak, little Daniel LaRusso from Jersey... and honestly, how miscast was all of that crap? I'll tell you this, we punk-asses from Jersey aren't afraid of Cali boys, that's for sure. Especially blonde Cali boys. But whatever, I'm digressing again.
Point is, the Giants are from Jersey. Daniel was from Jersey. (Am I turning into the Sports Guy? I will not light myself on fire.) And the best way to take down the Cheatriots is to....
Sweep the leg.
(Jump to the 1:40 mark, for those impatient among you. And if you're too young, well, go away.)
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