Jimmy Clausen Finally Pays For Being an Insufferable Jerk

From the moment he arrived at Notre Dame, we detested this punk. No, wait, check that.... from the moment he arrived at the College Football Hall of Fame in a limousine (presumably thinking it was like his prom), flashing high school championship rings (exactly four years to the day before he didn't get selected in the first round last night), and announcing he was going to Notre Dame, we loathed this douche.

We get accused of being too negative sometimes. We get accused of hating and not representing Purdue fans well. However, most of you, we think, come here at least partly because you like the sarcastic, sharp-tongued nastiness we sometimes espouse. And this is one of those examples where, I think you'll see the record reflects, we were right....again.

Jimmy Clausen was projected to be a star. He was going to be perfect for Chuck Weis' system, since it would basically be like playing in the NFL but against college teams. And then Jimmy barely survived his freshman year and the Domers went 3-9.

"But just wait until we get some guys for Jimmy to play with!" we kept hearing. Then you'll all be sorry. And then Jimmy went on to have two .500 seasons, following one with a bowl win over a less-than-mediocre Hawaii team, to run UND's record in the JC era (that's Jimmy Clausen, not the other JC, though I'm sure Jimmy sees them as similar) to 16-21. Wow. Impressive.

Jimmy, on one of his last weekends as a college football player, then managed to get his lights punched out in a restaurant/bar in South Bend. Of course, the story is that he was jumped by hoodlums (or an "irate fan"), because, as I'm sure we can all agree, this guy is just too damn sweet to have said or done anything obnoxious that might have precipitated someone wanting to spin his head around.

On his way out of office, Emperor Weis advised Jimmy Heisman and Golden Tate to declare for the draft. You know the cliches...they were "ready" and had "nothing more to accomplish." Nothing more than, you know, having a season with fewer than six losses. Or a regular season over .500. Or a win against USC.

Jimmy-boy then went and sat down with Jon Gruden for Gruden's Draft Camp routine, where Gruden -- I guess -- gives the kids advice and they watch some film, etc. From what I understand, the exchanges in this video (and some that aren't included in the clip I was able to find) were definitely talked about at the draft. Namely, the part where Pickles blames pretty much everyone else besides himself when things go wrong. Gruden clearly doesn't like what he's hearing in that regard and is doing his best to warn Clausen that isn't going to fly with the adults. Of course, Jimmy yes-es the Super Bowl winning coach and doesn't maintain eye contact -- dismissive, much? And where do you think Jimmy learned how to throw teammates under the bus?

Why, the master himself, Chuck Weis. The guy who loved to hear himself drone on and on during press conferences, saying things about certain guys didn't do this or that and then saying, "but it's on me." You know, the most disingenuous douche out there.

The point of all this rambling? Well, it's just that character has become a bigger deal to NFL teams over the years. And while being an insufferable a-hole to people gets guys like Clausen through high school and even through a place like ND, it does not work as well at the NFL level. This morning on the radio, I heard that at least two teams had Clausen rated higher than Sam Bradford (as per Peter King) but that Bradford's character is unquestioned, while Clausen's is a concern. Huh, interesting. Sounds like another UND QB who's always been a douche.

As reader Gregg Z sums up:

"Neither Jimmy 'Avatar' Clausen nor Golden Tate were picked in the first round, despite being ahem, "encouraged" by Weis to declare for the draft. Certain Domer faithful see this as Charlie's scorched Earth policy, robbing Kelly of key talent on his way out in hopes of burnishing his own image as an offensive mastermind. But whatever.

The Germans have a word for it-- schadenfreude-- satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune. Not that Clausen or Tate aren't going to be multimillionaires in the next 2 days, but these guys seemed to believe (or were told by their barely-competent fired coach) they were First-round material. Like Nelson from The Simpsons says: Ha ha!"

Indeed. These guys could have come back to UND and played under a new coach who loves to throw the ball and, really, aside from injury risk, what would be the harm? Finishing out of the bowls again? Big deal. Maybe one of them would actually have wound up being a first-round pick.

Regardless, Jimmy Clausen is now considered a character risk, which is something we knew a long, long time ago.

Winless QB Is Charlie Weis' Lone Defender

Who knows more about winning than the QB of a 1-9 team?

Brady Quinn thinks firing Charlie Weis would be a big mistake.

He also thinks all the smart people at Notre Dame make for...uh...wait for it.... schematic advantages:

One of the arguments often given for Notre Dame's struggles is that the school's high academic standards make it difficult to recruit. Quinn sees it differently.

"It plays to their advantage, too, that smart players on the team are able to do a lot more from a schematic standpoint and prepare for teams in better fashion than other teams," he said.

Yes, indeed. Schematically-speaking, they're the best 6-5 team out there.

Brady also felt for innocent Jimmy Clausen after the latter got punched in the mush late Saturday night:

Quinn had sympathy for Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen, who was punched in the eye outside a South Bend bar early Sunday morning, hours after the Fighting Irish lost in double overtime to Connecticut.

"It's unfortunate anytime that sort of situation occurs," Quinn said. "You just hope everything is all right and there's nothing else from it. That's just part of it sometimes when the season is tough."

"I also hope his beautiful face wasn't damaged," Quinn did not say. But his eyes said it.

(Thanks to John for the link.)

Thursday Gumbo Featuring UND Slapping, Penis Pulling, And Other Fun

It's Thursday. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but let's do a bit of a link dump of what we're reading lately...

No, Manatee, You're Just Wrong

You know how sometimes we like to tear apart stupid Notre Dame crap? And how we really don't like Fat Charlie?

Well, MGoBlog has a simply wonderful, wonderful, wonderful-like-Christmas-morning-featuring-a-Red-Ryder-BB-gun, evisceration of the Notre Dame whining from the UND-UM game. Please read it. You won't be disappointed.

How Closely Do You Watch The Big Ten Commercials?

I'll admit it, Paterno is the best part of the "recruiting" ad. And yes, this headline from Black Shoe Diaries is awesome for those paying attention. Nicely done.

And You Thought Jay Leno Interviewing Kanye Was Stilted

Our friend T-Mill from Hammer and Rails is going to great efforts to make his podcast good (unlike us, who basically subject you to a phone call we probably have a few times a week). He even went out and found a Northern Illinois blogger to have on his podcast. The guy turned out to sound a bit like me... if I had eaten a bucket of quaaludes and then smoked a joint like the one in Revenge of the Nerds Part II. Listen as poor T-Mill asks a question and gets, "Yeah" in response. It's kind of awesome.

Yet Bob Knight Is Healthy As An Ox

Whether you liked Miles Brand or not, as T-Mill pointed out on his site, the guy should get a moment of your thoughts/prayers as he shuffles off this mortal coil at age 67. He did finally drop the ax on Bob Knight at IU. Also, cancer sucks.

J Money Not Only Awesome Boilermaker in Houston

When you think of my awesomeness, you of course realize only a state the size of Texas can contain it. Which is why it's amazing that both me and Kevin Sumlin fit here. Sumlin was a linebacker at Purdue in the '80s and then coached under Tiller for a while, and now he's quickly resurrecting a dormant Houston football program, who knocked off Okie State last weekend. (When can we start talking about the Big 12 the way others talk about the Big 10?)

Northern Illnois Bloggers Very Creative

Yes, they trotted out the old "Purdon't" joke in their preview of the game this weekend. Hey, fellas, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box material? Amirite?? I just flew in from Northern Illinois, and boy are my arms tired! (Okay, okay, just kidding... we all know airplanes don't go anywhere near UNI.)

They also mentioned Danny Hope getting away from "strict basketball on grass" (again, a term not really used by anyone who knows anything about Purdue football since about 1999).

Another point which I suppose might have merit, but none of us think so:

Even though their coaches and everybody is denying this fully, you have to think that this team will either be hungover from their trip to Eugene, OR or be looking ahead. Or both.

You have to think? Or you hope?

And then the grand finale, their prediction. I'll let you enjoy:

I haven't had much time to look at what Purdue has been able to do, but I've been fairly impressed both offensively and defensively. I just feel like NIU has proved a little bit more on the defensive side of the ball, while still maintaining their strong offensive gameplan. Northern Illinois will try to rush the ball all game long against the 'makers, hopefully resulting in rest for our defense and making sure that the dangerous offense for Purdue is on the sidelines more often than not. We have to control the clock and not make mistakes such as turnovers or giving up the big pay on defense. And put somebody, anybody on Ralph Bolden at all times. That being said...

Huskies 35, Boilermakers 26

It all sounds so simple. And don't forget, they almost beat Big Ten teams all the time.

T-Shirt for UND-Purdue Game

From our friends at University Spirit comes this pretty funny t-shirt taking a jab at Notre Dame.

You know, I also think "Charlie Weis Stole My Hotdog" would be a terrific name for a sports blog.

Normally, we focus more on these dolts when it's Notre Dame week -- and we will -- but I thought you might all appreciate this.

We're Not The Only Ones Mocking Fat Charlie

Before you ask, no, it wasn't us spending our sponsor money on a billboard in South Bend that says "Best wishes to Charlie Weis in the fifth year of his college coaching internship." But it's awesome, nonetheless.

The UND sites aren't taking it too well, of course, referring to whoever did it as a "giant douche," for example. Which, I guess if you have Charlie Weis as your coach, you know your way around giant douches.

Also, do I need to say it? Okay.

The billboard appears to be in a "strategically advantageous" location.

Well done, whoever you are.

Boilermakers and Fighting Irish to Play In Primetime

Despite the fact that Purdue football is just so damn "boring," the Boilermakers will play their annual grudge match against Notre Dame at 8 PM on Saturday evening, 9/26. Presumably, lights will be brought in. (Though, given the way they grow the grass strategically in South Bend, Fat Charlie will likely insist on a kill switch for the lights to use at his decidedly advantageous discretion.)

The game will be on ABC or ESPN which, you'll recall, was the prime spot for some of the best games of the year last fall. I don't mean to doubt our boys, but I don't see this one being one of those kinds of games.

Looking forward to Chuck's last season, though.

Apparently Fat Charlie Does Care What You Think

You may have missed it two weekends ago, but everyone's favorite manatee, Charlie Weis, gave an interview to ESPN. Because if there's one thing I want to hear about during the first weekend of the NCAA basketball tournament, it's Notre Dame football. Huh?

Anyway, Fat Charlie decided to use part of the interview as a chance to talk about how mean people are and how they don't know him at all. You may need to turn your sound up a bit to catch it, but here's his answer to what has surprised him at ND.



It's "disheartening" when people who "don't know who you are" take shots at your character. What people who don't know you are taking shots at you, Charles? You're on TV all the damn time, you run your mouth constantly.... we know damn well who you are. You're an arrogant SOB who used to at least have the fact that it didn't appear that what detractors said bothered you. You had that going for you. You were doing things your way and you didn't care what anyone else thought. It made you look even more doofus-y arrogant, but hey, at least you had that.

But now it's clear that you have been listening and you do care. And that's just funny.

More of Charlie's explanation:



"It pains your soul."

Seriously, Chuck? Have you been reading women's lit lately? Are you getting your period? Pains your effing soul??

You know what would pain my soul if I were a blindly arrogant loyal Notre Damn supporter? Seeing my team pay a fortune for a guy who promised a "decided schematic advantage" and then proceeded to get his ass kicked on a regular basis by:

-All powerhouse programs
-All decent programs
-Many mediocre programs
-Some awful programs

That's what would pain my soul. But as a Boilermaker, it just makes me happy that you continue to look like the a-hole that you are. And it makes me even more happy that you think people don't know you. Because that simply shows an utter lack of comprehension and awareness of the world around you. Which isn't unusual for extremely arrogant people.

You are arrogant. You are sarcastic.

You are a jerk. And yes, we know exactly who you are.

ND Can Still Epically Fail Some More This Year

So it appears that Fat Charlie has gotten a reprieve (depending on how you look at it) and will be back to coach the Irish next season. It's, of course, funny to talk like that since the guy has another seven years on his existing contract. And I do still think there's the chance that he gets canned next week as UND has proven themsleves unscrupulous before and could very well be currently sniffing around discreetly for other candidates who won't a) turn them down (ahem, Urban!) or b) lie about their resume (ahem, George!).

Okay, though, assuming the Big Manatee is safe for another year, you might think it's time to put away the UND Haterade for the season because, really, what more can happen to them? Well, I have an answer for you.

Notre Dame currently -- eagerly -- awaits their bowl invite. And while we all wish nobody invites the mediocre 6-6 squad, you know somebody will. And Notre Dame will go and collect their paycheck.

One thing that's not often pointed out, though we try to do it as often as we can, is the fact that Notre Dame's last bowl victory came on January 1, 1994, when they eeked out a win over Texas A&M, 24-21. That was almost fifteen years ago, folks. I was in high school. Boilerdowd had hair. Tim was thin. I mean, it was a long time ago!

But that's not where they can set yet another mark in futility. No, we've heard loads about how this is the worst two-season stretch in UND history. But if UND loses their bowl game, they will drop to 6-7 on the season (after a 4-1 start, no less), which would be their second straight sub-.500 season. And do you know the last time that happened? 22 years ago, in '85 and '86, during the Gerry Faust to Lou Holtz transition.

Being able to compare any UND team to one from the Gerry Faust Era is fun, because Domers who remember Faust's teams almost vomit when you bring him up. Try it, it's fun! And a team run by such a schematic genius as Chuck Weis being compared to a Faust team, often considered the darkest period in UND history?

Well, that would just be a shravesty.

Notre Dame "Not That Far Away"

After UND got predictably hammered by USC on Saturday night, that was perhaps my favorite theme from a couple of the Domers. They're "not that far away." From what, we're not sure. From detonating the football program?

"Guys," said quarterback Jimmy Clausen, "we're not that far away."

"I really don't think we're that far away," echoed defensive end Pat Kuntz.

When a team is spouting meaningless comments like this and doing it in the glassy-eyed way that they must be doing it... well, your ship is sunk. The Notre Dame football program is a joke... and it's just wonderful to see. Sure, they've won more games this year than last, but you could argue the program has gone backwards.

This was supposed to be the year they made a HUGE step forward -- not a step to .500. Clausen is a sophomore, Golden Tate is supposed to be Superman, and the Domers had the 107th toughest schedule in the nation. Oh, and there's always that "decided schematic advantage."

If you haven't heard this already, that advantage led the Domers to not have a first down until the last play of the third quarter last night. They didn't cross the 50 until the fourth quarter. They had less than 100 yards of total offense. Pickles was 11 of 22 for 41 yards and two INTs. Read that one again. Yikes. But they're "not that far away." The fact that Clausen could say that to reporters after a stat line like that is just more evidence that Notre Dame football is a big, smelly mess. Does Jimmy actually believe that?

And what says The Big Manatee about this performance?

"I think one of the biggest aspects of today was whether we're going to play with passion and emotion," Weis said. "From the beginning of the game to the end of the game, we played with passion and emotion.

"Today, unlike last year (a 38-0 loss), when our guys got a little intimidated, I thought that wasn't the case at all here today."

No, your guys looked courageous.

I can't wait to go back to the archives and find all the arrogant posts by ND blogs about how Charlie was going to make us all pay for laughing... and how Charlie has a master plan, etc. Ha! Fat Charlie is a middling offensive coordinator when he has the right personnel. When he has to evaluate or develop talent, he's terrible. He's 9-15 since 2006. And he's probably out of a job.

A Happy Thanksgiving for UND Haters?

You know how everyone thinks Charlie Weis isn't going anywhere because of his massive buyout? Well, perhaps that's not entirely true.... as per the Chicago Tribune.

"The common perception of Weis' buyout is not accurate. Multiple sources have told the Tribune the buyout, far smaller than believed, will not affect whether Notre Dame decides to fire Weis after Saturday's game at USC."

Innnnnteresting. It goes on to say the following:

Whatever the case, a consensus is building among sources with ties to Notre Dame that Weis is in danger of being fired after four seasons. "He has built zero relationships at the school," one source said. "It has been all about him and his ego."

Gosh, that's shocking. Shocking, I tell you!

Eat up, fatties.

News Bulletin: Fat Charlie Remains Classy

Charlie Weis, the most sanctimonious prick working in college football today (and remember, that's a prick-filled club) continued his completely intolerable -- and, frankly, unjustified -- arrogance in his media day press conference at the Dame of Notre last week.

Leaving aside his many 150-words-where-25-will-do answers that really say nothing, we'll just look at Fat Charlie's answers when asked about the very legitimate issue of his "star" QB's potential underage drinking...

REPORTER: Your thoughts on the pictures that appeared online earlier this week and what happens from here?

COACH WEIS: I'm going to answer that in two sentences. First of all, I think the obvious thing, on a serious note, I think it's important that I don't condone underage drinking. I think that's important to say. But that being said and no sarcastic moment really meant to be, but give me a break. Let's move on on.

Well, that's five sentences. And you didn't really answer it. So you don't condone underage drinking, but your answer when asked about your underage quarterback (among others) drinking is.... "give me a break"? Why don't more people call this jerk-off out? This is ridiculous.

REPORTER: Well, let me ask you this --

COACH WEIS: Let's move on.

Ah, nooo... see, fat boy, you're responsible for answering questions at a press conference. In fact, I'm willing to bet it's in your contract.

REPORTER: I'm going to ask you this question anyway. The players, let's face it, they are underage and they pose for a picture in a situation that allegedly is questionable. They were in a position where they were allegedly drinking. Your thoughts on that?

COACH WEIS: Alleged by who?

REPORTER: The website said they were participating in something called the Beer Olympics.

COACH WEIS: I said let's give them a break and let's move on. That's as far as I'm going to say. I'm not going to take it any further than that.

Oh, you said to give them a break. Well, no actually, you said "Give me a break" in the dismissive, get-a-life, I'm-trying-to-make-you-feel-silly-for-asking-that-question way. Nice try, though.

REPORTER: Not going to be any discipline?

COACH WEIS: Let's move on on.

Honestly, yes, we think this guy's a joke. But more seriously, how far can he go? How far should he be ALLOWED to go? Sometimes -- wrongly -- coaches in major college sports are allowed a lot more rope than they should get. And those are usually guys who manage to win and thus make the school a lot of money. I don't think The Big Manatee has cost ND any money yet (see their big NBC contract renewal) but he's not really all that successful, either. Especially by their fantasyland "standards."

But yeah, by all means, keep being a complete dilweed, Charlie. You're just like Bill Belichick, whom you clearly learned this garbage from... just like him, except, you know, for the championships as a head coach.

Loser.

Charlie Weis An Expert Motivator...For Michigan

Some video surfaced over the weekend of Charlie Weis trying to rally the troops in South Bend and I'm guessing he'd prefer the video not be making the rounds like it is. The upshot, if you haven't seen it or heard it is that Weis implies the Michigan Wolverines will come into South Bend in September making excuses about their team and he finishes with a flourish: "To hell with Michigan!"

As the SportsbyBrooks article so neatly lays out, here was Fat Charlie's commentary in the video:

“I’ve always been one never to make excuses and not blow hot air. I believe you have to back up your words by performance on the field. I think that’s the message our team is going to try to stay, we’re gonna start on September 6 with San Diego State, we’re going from there. I think the first opportunity we’ll have to make a statement is that day.

“Then we’ll listen to Michigan have all their excuses as they come running in, saying how they have a new coaching staff and those changes. To hell with Michigan.”

I'm not sure where I would even start.

Well, okay, I do. Charlie, you're never one to blow hot air? Come on. I mean, just... come on!

And you believe you need to back up your words on the field? Well, I do, too, and that's admirable of you. But you lost 38-0 last year to an 0-2 Michigan team that was QBed by a freshman (Ryan Mallett) who hated his coach. And you're going to talk smack?

And to bash a program like Michigan, well, I would think it'd make more sense to bash us, you know? If we got mad, what's the worst we could do? Beat your ninny boys by a couple TDs? Michigan might hurt you. Like, physically damage your pretty-boy QB.

But on the subject of non-excuse making, let's look at a couple of gems from Charlie from last season...

When Demetrius Jones bailed on ND before their 38-0 drubbing against Michigan last fall, Fat Chuckles said this:

"What happened came as a surprise," Weis said. "But I'm not going to use it as an excuse and say our team was distracted."

No, clearly you're not going to say that. We've point this out before, but this is like saying, "Your sister's low-cut top and huge tits came as a surprise to me, but I'm not going to insult you and call her a whore."

Against BC a few weeks later, Evan Sharpley was a putrid 11 for 29 for 135 yards and the story was this:

Clausen started but failed to lead the Irish to a score. He was 7-of-20 for 60 yards and was pulled after he threw his second interception on Notre Dame's first offensive play of the second half. That set up BC's third touchdown.

"I'm never big on blaming the quarterback for the lack of production on the offense," Weis said.

Gotcha. So you'll just comment on how you WON'T say that.

Oh, and hey, remember when the Trojans curb-stomped the Irish 38-0 for the second 38-0 shellacking ND took last year? And Chuck said this:

When asked if he believes the Irish have hit rock bottom, Weis chose his words carefully.
"I'm going to answer that very cautiously, because I don't want to be called sarcastic using New Jersey rhetoric," he said. "So let me just say people better enjoy it now, have their fun now."

Yeah, everybody better enjoy it now... all you meanies enjoying ND struggling! We're a class act and we'll be back! Of course, the minute Michigan has a struggle, like a new coach installing a new offense, fatso will be the first one to mock them, implying they're making excuses they haven't even had a chance to make yet.

Oh, I was already looking forward to college football but this kind of stuff just makes it even better. Keep talking, Charlie.

Maybe Charlie Weis' Jokes Are Only Understood By Other Geniuses

Last Friday, the atrocious "Mike and Mike in the Morning" duo was "roasted" at a club in Atlantic City, NJ. They have been on the air for, depressingly, eight years now and show no signs of stopping despite being seventeen shades of awful.

However, among the horrid roast stories detailed in this article from the AC Press (and, really, what have these clowns done to deserve a roast?), my favorite is one about Charlie Weis.

Apparently, Fat Charlie showed up as a roaster and, evidently, either doesn't understand what a roast is or is too damn brilliant a comedian for people to understand. He is a genuis, after all. From the story:

But there were more bombs than success stories. Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis rambled for what seemed like forever, praising the duo and missing the whole point of the night. (Host Jeffrey) Ross summed it up best: "Thank you for that great sermon."

Can't you just picture the big, fat, arrogant prick getting up there to say some nice things because actually roasting them would be a little too much like what everyone else is doing and, you know, Chuck thinks outside the box. The Dunkin Donut box, that is.

In actuality, he was probably dreading being made fun of for his impressive tenure as ND's coach.

Making Fun of Notre Dame Never Gets Old

A little while back, when I had a few minutes to sift through our thousands* of fan emails, I came across a simply brilliant and hilarious mpg that I was neglectful in sharing and now it's all over the interwebs. Nevertheless, I feel it's worth sharing here.

Speaking of toasting Notre Dame's delusional "supporters," I found this entry over at our friends Her Loyal Sons kind of entertaining:

"Well, here it is: The Rivalry for Notre Dame Football. Notre Dame/SoCal. It’s the greatest rivalry in sports. Shut up, Red Sox Fans. I’m pulling for Manny as much as the next obsessive compulsive that’s ever taken the T to Fenway, but let’s face it: Red Sox/Yankees ain’t got nuthin’ on this.

ND being 1-6 and SoCal having lost to Stanford doesn’t do anything to reduce the importance of this game for the 2 institutions, but I find it fitting that the least “hyped” ND/SoCal game in quite a while comes along on a week where I’ve personally been so busy that I’ve barely even had time to notice the BCS Darling, South Florida, lost last night."

Wow. Anytime I need an example of material to poke fun at, all I need to do is head over there and look a the outright and over-the-top arrogance. I mean, good for them for being confident and proud. Bad for them that they're delusional.

The "greatest rivalry in sports"? It's not even the greatest rivalry in college football! One-sided "rivalries" are rarely any fun, boys, and as I've tried to explain before, USC doesn't see the Domers as a "rival" -- they seem them as a nuisance. A trip to the barren plains of northern Indiana, where the plane ride is far more dangerous than the competition.

I also like how the author managed to throw in a shot at South Florida as being "BCS darlings" -- whatever that means -- and sort of take delight in their loss. That's all well and good, but South Florida is 6-1 now. Where does an ND fan get off mocking them? I don't follow. And talk about the pot calling the kettle black! This is more like the pot and the kettle teaming up to call outer space black! Hasn't Notre Dame been the "darling" that gets undeserved invites to bowl games it has no business being in, and then proves it has no business being there by getting waxed by a real program?

My final shot at ND for today will be to encourage you all to buy one of the books explaining the greatness of Charlie Weis.

While perusing ESPN.com today, I saw a little blurb down on the lower right corner of Notre Dame's page plugging The New Gold Standard: Charlie Weis and Notre Dame's Rise to Glory. I can only assume this is either a work of fiction or some kind of Carnac prognostication. But as guffaw-worthy as the title is, check out the "description" on Amazon:

From the most storied school in college football history . . .The Gold Standard -- abandoned by most of the world in the 1930s -- has been an article of faith in South Bend, Indiana, for almost a century. Mere winning records and second-tier bowl games? Not good enough for Fighting Irish fans. No college football program has produced more national championships, more All-Americans, and more Heisman Trophy winners than Notre Dame. But recently, not so much: no national championship since 1988, only one All-American since 1994, and a combined 11-12 record in the 2003-2004 seasons. So out went Tyrone Willingham, fired just three years into a five-year contract, the first Irish coach ever to be dismissed before the end of his deal. In came Charlie Weis, a forty-nine-year-old Notre Dame grad with no head coaching experience but four Super Bowl rings as an assistant coach. Weis proved, in the space of a single season, to be a football maestro with a hard edge, a brilliant mind, an affinity for detail, and an uncanny sense of how to motivate people. He returned a program mired in the blahs to its rightful (and historic) place among college football's elite. This book takes you inside a season unlike any other in Fighting Irish history -- and inside Weis's master plan for restoring the Gold Standard in South Bend.

I wonder if that "master plan" included a 1-7 start to 2007? And what is the "Gold Standard"? Having a white coach? I'm just trying to understand. And their "rightful" place among college football's "elite"? I think I just vomited a little bit. (Note that The Gold Standard's price has been reduced.)

Speaking of Notre Dame/Charlie Weis books with reduced pricing, check this one out! No Excuses One Man's Incredible Rise Through the NFL to Head Coach of Notre Dame (Paper Champions). Oh, I'm sorry -- that actually said "Paperback." My bad.

I also love the last line of the book description for that one: "Weis has been hailed as a coaching genius, credited with turning around Notre Dame's legendary–but–flailing football team."

Yes, turning them around. All the way around. From flailing to winning (with Ty Willingham's players) to flailing again. Only now they're flailing at legendary and rarely before seen at ND levels.

*May be an exaggeration.

It's Notre Dame Week

So we're a month into the college football season and all seems right with our world -- Purdue is 4-0. Also making this a fun football season is the fact that Notre Dame, led by genius Charlie Weis, is 0-4... for the first time in their history. It took the Domers until week four against Michigan State at home to score an offensive touchdown. So I mean, there's bad and then there's.... bad. Not being able to score for a month is kind of horrendous. And you'd think this would make fans of the Golden Dome a bit more humble. You know, like when Michigan lost to App St. and the guys at MGoBlog turned their site pink and full of kittens for several days. They raised the white flag and admitted they had nothing to say to defend their beloved team's performance. But are ND supporters like this at all? Well, take a look at this post from "Her Loyal Sons" and judge for yourself:

It’s bad enough that ND is 0-4 this season. It’s even worse to know that this is Purdue week - The Most Boring Week In College Football Blogging.

If you guys hear anything that we should know and that we should let other ND fans know about Purdue, please feel free to e-mail us. We’re digging. We really are, but Purdue is simply the most boring college football program in the nation, and it’s hard to keep our attention on the task at hand. I got distracted by some pre-Algebra homework problems earlier when I was trying to pull some facts together about whoever their coach might be. I think he sells diabetes equipment or something.

This would be a vastly more interesting week if we’d dump Purdue from the schedule and take on a team like, say, ITT Technical Institute. Do they have a football team? I often wonder why kids go to play at Purdue. What, hate the difficulty of playing for a team that people might actually look up in the Sunday papers? Have a masochistic love of tedium?

Maybe we’ll do a “look back” on what’s happened in the last 4 weeks since, apparently, nothing much will be happening this week.

Wow. I mean, just... wow. The level of obnoxiously blinding arrogance is hard (nay, impossible) to measure here. Are you guys f-cking serious?? Shall we take things a-hole comment by a-hole comment? Okay.

It’s even worse to know that this is Purdue week - The Most Boring Week In College Football Blogging.

Really? In-state rivalries are that boring to you? I suppose so if you know a beatdown is coming. I hate to break this to Notre Dame, but USC doesn't really consider you guys a "rival" the way you do. They see you as a nuisance from the midwest. You don't matter to them, you're a W on their schedule and then they move on to actually challenging opponents. Your best try still wasn't good enough a couple of years ago. Long grass, home-field, hometown refereeing... and you still lost. So why not embrace an in-state rival that has actually been a good series in recent years?

If you guys hear anything that we should know and that we should let other ND fans know about Purdue, please feel free to e-mail us.

Um, oh, hey, I have something: We're 4-0, bitch. We have a top ten offense... in the nation. We're ranked. Our QB has 16 TDs and one pick. We're averaging almost 50 points a game. Want me to keep going? Or should I have started small? Like with: It didn't take us a month to score a touchdown.

Purdue is simply the most boring college football program in the nation, and it’s hard to keep our attention on the task at hand.

Really? The most boring? With an explosive offense and a suspect defense? You think that's boring? The fact that against any good team we'll probably be playing shootouts? That's boring to you clowns?? Right. So now you're just lying.

I got distracted by some pre-Algebra homework problems earlier when I was trying to pull some facts together about whoever their coach might be. I think he sells diabetes equipment or something.

I love that they're doing pre-Algebra at Notre Dame. Well-played, moron. You just made yourself look brilliant. Pre-algebra is something that's done by seventh-graders... outside of South Bend, I imagine. At ND, you can probably major in it. Unless this blog is written by a seventh-grader. Which, given its quality, actually seems possible. And yes, Joe Tiller looks like Wilford Brimley. We've done that joke a million times and he's our own coach. Do you want me to comment on what your coach looks like?

This would be a vastly more interesting week if we’d dump Purdue from the schedule and take on a team like, say, ITT Technical Institute. Do they have a football team?

I'm sure you boys would love to "dump Purdue" from the schedule -- who wants a team that can beat you and perhaps even steal some recruits? You guys only have 6 or 7 gimme wins a season on your schedule so ITT Tech would fit right in with the plan. That way, you can continue to put up the occasional 8 or 9 win season, secure a nice bowl and then get blasted by a far, far superior program. Oh, hey, did you guys know that the last time Notre Dame won ANY bowl game was when Jimmy Clausen was about six years old?

I often wonder why kids go to play at Purdue.

I don't know, maybe because they like to score points? Play in a conference? Not live in South Bend? Shall I go on?

What, hate the difficulty of playing for a team that people might actually look up in the Sunday papers?

What does this even mean? College football is on Saturdays. But these guys haven't seen something resembling college football in a while so it's easy to see how they might be confused.

Have a masochistic love of tedium?

Again, this irrational shot at Purdue for being boring and tedious. I don't get it. You can certainly take shots at us -- lord knows we take shots at our own program all the time and there's plenty to shoot at. But to call us boring? I just don't get it. Nine bowls in ten years. One losing season since Tiller has gotten here. Was Drew Brees boring? Was it boring when Kyle Orton and Taylor Stubblefield embarassed the Domers in South Bend in 2004?

Maybe we’ll do a “look back” on what’s happened in the last 4 weeks since, apparently, nothing much will be happening this week.

This last line made me laugh. You're going to "look back"? At what? At all the insanely awful play from your team this year? Give me a break. You have fun with your look-back. We'll be looking ahead at the rest of our schedule.

Weekend of Fun

As boilerdowd mentions in the post below, this was a solid start to the football season for our beloved Boilermakers. Not so much for Michigan and Notre Dame, storied programs that, of late, have really only been storied in their own minds and recruiting brochures.

As you've no doubt heard, Michigan lost -- at home -- to Division I-AA Appalachian State on Saturday. I found the pictured billboard that is proudly displayed in Boone, NC (where I've actually been a couple of times, believe it or not) and I have to say, while I'm happy for the Mountaineers and their unparallelled accomplishment, I think this billboard is a bit misleading.

Regardless, here's an interesting factoid: Did you know that Michigan has now lost three straight games (dating back to last season) for the first time since, get this, 1979. That's incredible. Lloyd Carr must really wish he retired now. Good plan on coming back for a shot at that national title, Lloyd!

In other parts of the midwest, Notre Dame got pummelled by G Tech, 33-3. And it's wonderful. Fat Charlie used all three of his useless quarterbacks who, granted, probably won't always be useless, much to our chagrin.

But what's even more wonderful is that Georgia Tech? Not so good. I mean, the Yellow Jackets QB went 11 for 23 for 121 yards against a weak defense. Fortunately for GT, ND couldn't stop the run if Charlie's Twinkie supply was at stake. So while it's simply gleeful to see the Domers get curb-stomped at home like this, it's only whetting our appetites for what might happen to them when they play Penn State or a pissed off Michigan team in two weeks.

Do you know how many yards ND rushed for on Saturday? Minus-9. Outstanding.

On the Sports Reporters on Sunday, Bob Ryan came down on Fat Charlie a bit, saying, "Okay, Charlie, this is year three, it's the second full recruiting class... you gotta do better."

Now, if it were my team, I'd tell Ryan to shut the hell up. Weis has gotten admirable results and the program is at least better than when he came in. However, since Notre Dame rarely gets their fair share of criticism, I say cheers to you, Mr. Ryan. Pile on.

The bloom is going to be off the rose on Chuck very soon. In a year or two, Savior Jimmy Claussen may indeed be able to lead ND back to glory (or at least 8-win-and-a-bowl-loss status), but the question is whether or not Fat Charlie will still be there.

Charlie Weis Clears Things Up

In case you didn't know, Notre Dame's latest golden boy, Jimmy Clausen, was charged with a misdemeanor in June when he was caught transporting alcohol in his car -- something illegal in Indiana if you're under 21.

The story goes that Clausen drove the car while a 23-year-old purchased the alcohol. And I'm sure -- I'm just certain -- that the 23-year-old wasn't buying it for Clausen to drink it. No way, right? Oh, you think that might be possible? Well, I call you a cynic then. Jimmy Clausen is pure as the driven, flamboyant snow.

Charlie Weis referred to it as being "in the wrong place at the wrong time." Sure, I can see that. I'm sure the 23-year-old forced Clausen, probably at gunpoint, to drive him to the liquor store and then back to wherever they were headed to (not) drink the alcohol in question.

Sorry, Charlie, but being "in the wrong place at the wrong time" is more like being in the liquor store when it's held up, or standing in the crosswalk when Tim is driving through town. It's not like intentionally driving somewhere to have a friend buy you booze. But okay, you go with that.

Some more Weis tidbits from the story:

Weis compared the incident to a hypothetical in which he purchased alcohol while one of his son's friends drove him to the store for it.

Well, that's not really the same thing, now is it, Charlie? Not the same as an underage college student driving another (slightly less) young person to a liquor store to purchase liquor. Come on.

"So I plead ignorance on that one. I would plead that I would not know the law on that one."

And as we all know, pleading ignorance is the best way to have all charges dropped against you in the state of Indiana. Why, I remember getting into a bar fight at Purdue and then telling the judge I really had no idea it was, quote, against the law, to smack someone in the face with a frosted beer mug. When he heard my ignorance, he dismissed my case.

"So was (Clausen) in the wrong place at the wrong time? Absolutely. But I think it's out of ignorance, and by ignorance I mean lack of knowledge. I don't think he was defiantly trying to get himself in trouble with the law."

Oh, you don't think so, Charlie? Gosh, are you sure? Because I know a lot of athletes do it on purpose. For example, a little-known fact about the Michael Vick dogfighting fiasco is that Vick himself called the authorities because he was, and I quote, "defiantly trying to get himself in trouble with the law." Frankly, Charlie, I think you're a putz. And by putz, I mean turd.

"You've just got to roll with the punches," Weis said. "The problem when you're the quarterback at Notre Dame, or the head coach at Notre Dame — when things go good, you get more credit than you deserve. When things go bad, you get more blame than you deserve. Like it or not, that's the way football is."

And when things go mediocre, you get to go to a BCS bowl and get curb-stomped by LSU.

Making Fun of Fat Coaches Brings Us All Together

While wasting time today, as is my usual, I came across a sports site that will now be one of my favorites of all time regardless of what they write about. And why? Because of the name of the site.

Charlie Weis Ate My Baby.

Dot com.

I don't know about you, but there are few things I enjoy more than watching Fat Charlie lose, especially when he makes his arrogant, assholish remarks afterwards, usually degrading an opponent that just ran over his team or throwing his quarterback under the bus by saying he's not throwing him under the bus. So to see a site with a name this brilliant, well... kudos to you, gentlemen, kudos.

Boiler Football!

Hey, it's about time we posted something relating to Purdue sports around here. Sure, we're not exclusively a Purdue site but we do like to delve into the Boilers as much as possible. But, hey, it's May...what do you want us to post about? The baseball team?

Recently, Scout.com released their season preview for the 2007 Boilermaker football team. Now, we can't really get much comment on this from the team since Joe Tiller has declared war on pseudo-media types like those golsh-darn blogs.

However, we can take a look at what Scout.com says and of course encourage you to read it for yourself and let us know what you think.

I was hoping boilerdowd would weigh in with a post about this and hopefully he still will. But in the meantime, you get me, analyzing Purdue football from 800 miles away. And really, maybe that's a good thing. b-dowd is too close. It's like he and Purdue football are lovers -- he can't be objective.

As he pointed out, however, this preview reads like Dorien Bryant's mom wrote it.

...now the offense should be unstoppable with everyone back, led by underappreciated star receiver Dorien Bryant.

Really? He's underappreciated? I think we appreciate his skinny, fumble-prone ass plenty. But I am digressing.

On the list of Purdue's "ten best players," which is stupid in itself because it's hard to rank the value of a good WR against a good OL but whatever. Bryant is listed first there. Fine.

Later there's this:

Best Offensive Player: Senior WR Dorien Bryant. Over the last two seasons, just one player in America has caught more passes than Bryant, a sure-handed gnat of a route runner who’s got the speed to go the distance on short hitch routes. A lethal all-purpose threat, he’s also scored six rushing touchdowns in his Boilermaker career and is very dangerous on kickoff returns.

Wow, get a room, you two! And... "a sure-handed gnat of a route runner..." Wha? He's a "lethal" gnat anyway. Shall we start calling him "The Lethal Gnat"? I think we should.

Anyway, the writer of this article, Pete Fiutak, starts out with this:

There was a time when Purdue was the Big Ten’s rising star. Thanks to Drew Brees and a thrilling passing attack, the Boilermakers went to the Rose Bowl and had Big Ten folks worried about trying to keep pace with the high-octane offense. Somewhere along the way, however, the idea of generating more balance and more of a running game kicked in, right about the time when the Purdue defense went completely into the tank.

Wow, man, very topical. Drew Brees? Do you realize his last season was 2000? Seven years ago. And yes, yes, high-octane offense... let's just call it basketball on grass, you know you want to.

I also wouldn't say our defense "went into the tank" -- I'd say our defense has never lived up to its potential under Brock Spack. And I'd leave it at that.

The team didn’t take advantage of all the experience it had over the last two years, and it really didn’t make the most of the monster scheduling break, missing Michigan and Ohio State.

Oh, holy hell. I am so glad we're playing Michigan and Ohio State this season because I am SO TIRED of hearing about how we didn't have to play them last year and it was our chance at a great season. Fine, we get it, they're good. Of course, the last time Purdue played them both, in 2004, they lost by two on the road at Michigan and beat OSU. So, there's that.

What I kind of don't get is how his overall thoughts are that this might be the year that Tiller has to break through and that with the overall experience coming back, that just might be possible. So that would lead one to believe that Purdue football is at a critical time and perhaps needs a 10-win season to climb the ladder to a bit more relevancy... would you agree? Let's see what Pete Fuitak says:

The season will be a success if ... Purdue wins eight games. That might be setting the bar way too low for a team with an offense like this, but the defense is still extremely suspect, and the schedule is potentially too nasty to expect any sort of flirtation with double-digit wins without a few big upsets.

Alright, his points after his prediction are valid but then how could this be a "successful season"? I'd say this is more "A likely season," or "What Pete Fiutak expects from Purdue this season." I think we can all agree Purdue has been in the 7-9 win range for a while and needs to bust through. Will it happen? Probably not. But with Curtis Painter a junior and The Lethal Gnat a senior you just never know.

I took the liberty of looking at the 2006 Purdue Preview as well -- also written by Pete -- and noticed that he said last year that it would be a successful season if Purdue could win eight games. Which they did. And then this year he talks about how Purdue's been a disappointment recently. I agree that they have been, but then why keep saying eight wins is a "success"?

I do also like that with Notre Dame, Michigan, OSU and Penn State on the schedule, the key game is.... Sept 22 at Minnesota. Hmm, yes, that will be critical. But I think the next three (ND, OSU, Michigan) are FAR more critical. If Purdue has lost before them, then whatever, we just hope for some fun this year. But if they're 4-0 and can plow through those three games and only lose one, well, then we might have a special season on our hands.

What do I think? Well, I'm glad you asked. Even though you didn't. Let's look at the schedule:

Sept. 1 at Toledo -- Win. It's on the road and they could lose focus but you simply can't lose to this kind of team at this point in the season with this kind of upperclassmen leadership.

Sept. 8 vs Eastern Illinois -- Win. If we lose this game... I don't know what I'll do.

Sept. 15 vs Central Michigan -- Win. Not a pushover but should be a win.

Sept. 22 at Minnesota -- Win. It's going to be tough now that Tubby Smith is coaching.

Sept. 29 vs Notre Dame -- Win. If we don't beat Fat Charlie's team this year, we don't deserve to ever beat them. I also want to see gay blade Jimmy Claussen face down as much as possible. And not in the way he likes to be face down. (Thanks to Every Day Should Be Saturday for the pic.)

Oct. 6 vs Ohio State -- Win. This is where I don't know what to say. I don't think OSU will be as solid this year, obviously, without their own Lethal Gnat, Troy Smith. But beating OSU is always an albatross for the Boilers. However, as I pointed out earlier, they did beat OSU at home in 2004. I'll say win because I'm an optimist.

Oct. 13 at Michigan -- Loss. Almost no chance we win this game. Lloyd Carr could prove me wrong and give us the game but Tiller wets his pants whenever he even sees a picture of the Big House. Of course, if Purdue is really 6-0 at this point, who knows? GameDay could be there.

Oct. 20 vs Iowa -- Loss. Should be a win but the Boilers always manage one complete stinker at home. This will probably be it.

Oct. 27 vs Northwestern -- Win. Come on, it's Northwestern.

Nov. 3 at Penn State -- Loss. Another place where the Boilers just don't seem to be able to get past a mental block. The Nittany Kittens will be marginal this year but it's still a tough road game in the hicksville fields of Nappy Valley.

Nov. 10 vs Michigan State -- Win. The Boilers seem to simply have MSU's number. Sure, they won't have John L. Smith to kick around anymore but this game is in West Lafayette, so there will be less thug MSU fans in the house than if this were up in E. Lansing.

Nov. 17 at Indiana -- Win. Purdue will have more fans there than IU and if we want to take your lame-ass rock, we will.

So that brings us to 9-3, which sounds about right to me. I mean, doesn't this just sound like a Purdue season that starts with high hopes? A blazing start only to lose a couple tough games and perhaps at least one that they shouldn't lose? With this schedule, ten wins would indeed be a fantastic season and, truthfully, I think 9-3 would be excellent as well and I would not be disappointed. I mean, unless we were 9-1 heading into the MSU game. Then I'll be pissed if we wind up 9-3.

Truth is, I am being optimistic about our start. The liklihood is the Boilers will cough up one of those early games so I'd say my official prediction is 8-4, with 9-3 being a good season and 10-2 (or better) being outstanding.

I welcome your thoughts on this subject, gentlemen.

Allow Me To Pile On to Fat Charlie

I think each of us want to take our turn on this, sort of like the line that forms in the movie Airplane where everyone wants to smack the woman who's freaking out.

Let's turn our attention to class act Charlie Weis, who always manages to take responsibility while at the same time pointing out who's not to blame for their lousy performance.

First, before the game, I love this interaction from the ballcoach.

When asked what it would take for ND to stay in the ballgame, he reacted with this:

"Hold on. We're not coming here to be competitive. I mean, let's take a timeout. I don't even want to answer a question about coming here to be competitive and staying in it to the end. If you want to rephrase the question to, 'What's it going to take to win the game?' I'll address it."

Okay, so Charlie has clearly moved into Bob Knight territory where he's going to tell us what to ask and which questions are stupid and so forth. Except that most questions like that are based in fact and, as it turned out, were totally justified! And since Fat Charlie obviously didn't have an answer in the second half last night, he should have stopped his answer above at "Hold on. We're not coming here to be competitive."

Now we move onto Charlie's ability to throw his pretty-boy QB under the bus. We've seen him do it before in postgame press conferences, wherein he claims to take responsibility for a loss but simultaneously intimates that someone else could be to blame if he felt so inclined. This is sort of like saying "Sure, we would have won the pickup basketball game if Tim didn't brick all his three-pointer attempts and if b-dowd could get a rebound, but really, I'll take the responsibility." Oh, wait, is that example too accurate? Let's see.

From the story on last night's game:

"I don't think he [Quinn] was the biggest problem, though," Weis said. "That's the problem. The quarterback is the easiest one to blame. Hey, I'm the head coach. I'll gladly sit there and take the bullets for the team. But the quarterback is the easiest one to look at when you say, 'Well, he's 15-for-35.'

"It would be nice to sit here and say he laid an egg, but that's hardly the case."

It would? It would "be nice" to say he laid an egg??? Weis is basically saying here, "Well, if my quarterback could have won this game despite our inferior talent, I'd be sitting here making arrogant, witty comments to you assembled media and be shining up my crown as king of college football coaches. But I can't since he sucked tonight and since I'm the head coach I guess I have to say it's sorta my fault."

I mean, I can't believe I'm defending Brady Quinn but, really, the guy does what he can. He's got one good receiver who will probably be snapped in half in the NFL and, well, can you name their starting RBs?

Some final thoughts on this BCS-worthy (?) bowl team:

• ND has given up 1200 yards of offense in their last two bowl games
• Their last bowl victory was in 1994. Thirteen years ago. Brady Quinn was 9.
• Putting ND into this BCS bowl game makes about as much sense as the NBA saying, "Okay, well, at the end of the season, we're going to have the Knicks play the Bulls for the Eastern Conference Finals simply because, you know, New York teams draw well." These bowls mean nothing except to those who love (or hate) the teams playing.
• No confirmation yet on whether or not Notre Dame will be scheduling each military academy three times each next season.
• As bad as Purdue's football program is getting, they were only two wins behind ND this year.