Roger Clemens Saga -- All Because of a Dropped Call

We've all seen the Roger Clemens Cingular commercial with his rather hot wife from last year, where it appears Roger's call is dropped and he can't hear his wife angrily opposing his latest comeback with the Yankees. But what did we not hear?

All commercials are shot with lots of dialogue that is eventually edited out. Here at Boiled Sports, we were able to obtain some previously unreleased transcripts of that commercial. Read on...



Roger: "Hey, honey, I'm here with Rusty Harden and some other guy we met on the course and we were talking about 'roids and HGH and whatever those horse suppositories were that Mac jammed up my ass all those times. Anyway, Rusty and this dude we just met both think I can just deny any of it ever happened because, hey, I'm Roger Clemens and who's going to believe someone else over me?"


Debbie: "Are you kidding?"

Roger: "Just say the word 'no,' and I won't listen to them. Just say 'no' and I won't come back to the Yankees and risk being called out on this... Just say 'no' and I won't do it. I won't basically tarnish everything I've ever accomplished by lying as though the whole bullshit clubhouse code applies to the real world. What could go wrong, right?"

[call drops]

Debbie: "Roger! No! No!! Do you hear me? What are you, f-cking retarded? MacNamee is a slimy character who you told me yourself you didn't trust. He probably saved evidence of all that shit! If you deny everything and make a big production of it, you could end up being in front of Congress when they call your bluff... and if you lie THERE, you could go to jail! Do you realize this? NOOOOOOO!!"

Roger: "You know, just say the word and I won't do it... I won't come back to play or even think about being arrogantly defiant about my PED use. But if you're cool with it, I also have a backup plan if this ever blew up in my face. I'll just tell them that he injected YOUR fine ass with HGH. We'll just say it was so you looked more buff when we did that SI shoot. Remember? Man, we had wild sex that day... I wonder if those photographers were telling the truth when they said they had no film in their camera while we were doin' it. I know you said we should wait until we got home but I just had to have you. Wait, where was I? Oh, right... just say no if you don't want me to head down this path... I mean, I just won't... if you tell me not to, I won't do it. That's all you gotta say..."

Debbie: "ROGER! Can you hear me! No! No! NOOOO! A thousand times no! Roger! Andy knows, too, remember? Who knows who else he told? What if they ask HIM about it? And Andy's wife knows, too! Oh, God, Roger! Andy's busted wife and I talk about that all the time! And you know how God-fearing Andy and his wife are! They'll tell the truth for sure! And that will sink you totally! So if all I have to do is say 'no,' then consider me saying 'NO F-CKING WAY'!! In fact, I just knocked over some flowers in the kitchen to illustrate my point! You know how much I hate knocking things over, Roger!! Roger! Roger!!!!"

Roger [hearing nothing]: "Okay, great.... hey, guys, I'm back and we're on for the plan! If anything goes wrong, my wife is on board with me just doing the sticking-my-fingers-in-my-ears-and-screaming-na-na-na-na-na routine! In fact, she's so happy, she's speechless!"

Now you know the whole story. Debbie knew what might happen. If only Roger used Cingular. Because, you know, AT&T's network never drops calls.

Perspective: Why baseball sucks

Here's the deal, baseball stinks. I know, I know, Tim and J will argue with me, they have gone to most of the parks and enjoy the game...even regular season. But, I have a different perspective. I love football and basketball (not NBA basketball. I don't really think it's basketball anymore). I really enjoy watching the golf majors on TV. I grew up going to the Indy 500 and still go, so I enjoy IRL racing. After that, comes baseball...but I do enjoy the playoffs.

I asked my brother for his opinion on the Mitchell Report a few weeks back and he gave me one of the best answers I've heard. The gist is this:

-Baseball season is too long already...it takes away highlights from sports that I care about...
-We already have to hear about baseball during non-baseball months because of Winter Meetings, trades and rumors of trades...This report only makes more publicity for a game that I wish would go away.

I don't wish baseball would go away, but I do wish the season was shorter. I also recognize that I'm part of the problem since I'm still talking about it. I'll do my best to stop, but I want to give Bonds, Clemens et al all of the rope they need to hang themselves. They are truly buffoons.

So why does baseball suck?

In its purest form, it doesn't. It's a great game to watch with someone you really enjoy being around. It moves slowly, but that's what makes it such a great game to watch with a loved one. Some of my fondest memories of my life are at the baseball park with my Grandpa, Dad and brothers

That said, the games take too long (especially with TV in the equation) and the season is waaaaaaay too long . But that's not why the sport stinks.

The game that I grew up playing got greedy and lost a bunch of fans in the process...So instead of trying to earn the fans' respect and viewership, it got lazy and allowed itself to be bastardized in the name of ratings and popularity. I will say that I don't see HGH or steroids as an unfair or competitive advantage simply because such a high percentage of the athletes used these drugs. But, the guys that some kids grow up trying to emulate are truly an embarrassment and are nothing that I want my son to emulate. They're liars and cheaters and just a half step from being animals or machines...because they are most certainly no longer human after they've altered themselves to the degree that many have.

That's why baseball sucks.

Let me get this straight, Roger...

So, now Clemens admits that he actually did have some injections in the buttocks (not from Andy Pettite), but absolutely not performance enhancers.

Here's his story (and he might stick to it)...He had injections of Lidocaine and vitamin B12...Why would he do that, here's why (clinically). He would have a Lidocaine injection for numbing of areas near the skin. Bruises and contusions might call for a lidocaiine injection. B12, on the other hand, is injected to aid the user in weight loss.

So, what were Rocket's injuries during the period when he played for Toronto? He had a couple that kept him out of the rotation- pulled muscles in his ribs and a nagging hamstring. Perhaps these injuries kept him off of his cardio schedule, so his weight became an issue, but Lidocaine? I dunno...

You be the judge, does this add up?

Butt-Buddies In A Whole New Way

Unfortunately, I think we're all going to be talking about steroids and other illegal performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) for a while now. And then it'll die down and then when Spring Training begins in Feb/Mar it'll dial back up again. And all the sanctimonious pricks like Mike Lupica who slurped at the altar of McGwire and Sosa back in '98 and then acted all shocked when it turned out they were doped up enough to kill a horse will write condemning articles about baseball players and the sanctity of the game, while guys like Shawne Merriman continue getting featured in commercials and doing his gay-ass dance after sacks.

However, all that said, I direct you to the outstanding site Fire Joe Morgan to take a look at some of their posts about baseball steroid/PED abusers, specifically Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte. They dug up just a couple of old stories about the glory days and clean living of these two and then they follow with their own thoughts. It's quite funny and also sad at the same time to anyone who loves baseball like I do.

Another Assinine Decision by MLB

You might remember back in May how Alex Rodriguez shouted at a Blue Jays infielder (a rookie infielder) as he was settling under a pop-up and the kid dropped it. The Jays were hopping mad and started a ruckus about how it was "bush league," when anyone who's ever played organized baseball understands that you have to catch the ball and not be distracted by yelling. These guys are (supposedly) major leaguers, for pete's sake. Little Leaguers know how to concentrate on pop-ups.

So the Jays were really mad. And since they royally suck and have nothing else to play for, they've been waiting for the Yankees to come back to town. So on Monday, in ARod's first at bat, Jesse Litsch throws a pitch at ARod. ARod doesn't complain and simply plays the game. Okay, fine, you've made your point, Toronto.

But no. On Tuesday night, Josh Towers throws a fastball at ARod's knee and hits him. ARod gets a little irritated because now this is two-for-one and that's just stupid. Towers reacts like a jackass, telling the best hitter in baseball to just take his base and get out of there. Towers, it should be noted, sucks.

The benches clear and Matt Stairs, a fat, useless slug of a DH tries to get at ARod several times. Order is restored and ARod goes to first. He's standing there when Towers starts mouthing off at him again, to which you can see ARod say, "What? Are you talking to me?" The benches clear again and again Matt Stairs goes after ARod. The best part of this was Shelly Duncan of the Yankees (all 6'5" of him) sprinting out to intercept the stumpy Stairs.

So the Yankees go about the game and then, leading 7-0 in the 7th inning, Roger Clemens evens up the score by drilling Alex Rios in the middle of the back with a fastball. Well, what the hell were the Blue Jays expecting? Clemens, a guy who's not afraid to throw at people's heads, to just not retaliate at all? It's an eye-for-an-eye game and Clemens was standing up for his teammate. The Yankees let it go on Monday but they got pushed and pushed and pushed on Tuesday and finally had had enough. And so Clemens (and Torre) get tossed. Fine, those are the stupid MLB rules (once the benches are warned); so be it.

Well, today Roger Clemens has been suspended for five games. For an incident he did not create. Josh Towers, who incited the bench-clearing, male-posturing bullshit? No suspension. Matt Stairs, who continued to escalate things after they'd already been calmed down? Nothing but a minor fine.

Well-played, baseball, well-played.

If you really want to eliminate fighting, you look at the whole situation and apply some logic, rather than just black and white rules. When ARod was hit on Monday, you let it go, just like the Yankees did. Nobody retaliated, because they realized the Jays were still pissed off about something. And then the Blue Jays pushed it beyond reasonable, which you can always (and easily) determine when the whole other team is visibly pissed. Okay, you hit our best player once and we let it go... now you drilled a fastball at his kneecap. That's enough.

But no, suspend Clemens. That makes sense.

Hired Gun

I just got the picture to the left in my inbox from a Red Sox-fan friend of mine who has also pelted me with emails over the past two days about what a joke Clemens is and, well, you know the drill.

Well, that's definitely true -- he plays just for the money. As opposed to gamers like Curt Schilling who plays the game for free. Or Manny Ramirez, who donates all $20 million of his salary to barbershops across Boston.

I once heard Jason Varitek promised to wear whatever letter of the alphabet he was able to get to without looking above the blackboard for help. What a guy!

Those Red Sox sure are likable. I especially like how when Manny hits a home run he stands there and postures and walks to first base. And then, if anyone dares to pitch him on the inner half of the plate, he absolutely flips out. Those guys sure are awesome!

And let's not forget their two-week dynasty in 2004 -- their fans sure haven't forgotten it!

But yes, the truth is, Roger Clemens IS a hired gun and is just having a hard time turning down the boatloads of money he is getting offered each year. And if he had chosen the Red Sox, the fans would be lining up to kiss his fat ass.