The Only Thing That Could Make This Bowl Any Better Would Be If Our Team Couldn't Close The Deal!

You know what would be cool, random fan of the other team I am buddies with? If this bowl game was really close but our team couldn't close the deal and thus we got to see shi-ty, college-rules overtime!

High five!

It turns out that Buffalo Wild Wings will be sponsoring a bowl game out in the Arizona desert, formerly known as the Insight Bowl. And since it typically features a Big Ten team, there's chance that we will be subjected to our favorite program being in a bowl game brought to you by an outfit that thinks this is how being a fan of competitive sports works.

We've bitched about this before -- both boilerdowd and I loathe BWW's commercials, because they appear to be written by our mothers.....that is: "Sports -- yay!"

We will often text each other randomly during games and just say, "You know what would make this game even better? A janitor controlling sprinklers."

Well, it turns out we have a kindred spirit in the form of MGoBlog's Brian Cook:

I hope other people are driven as insane by the idea people would go to a sports bar and cheer for a tie, or that someone could be watching the Detroit Randoms try a last-ditch Hail Mary down a touchdown and say "the only thing that could make this better is… OVERTIME" instead of "the only thing that could make this better is winning 68-0 and being at a place where the food comes on, you know, plates." I hate the fake BWW people so, so much. 

 Thank you, Brian.

Remembrance

I think there are countless examples of terrible television and horrid commercials out there, yet there have been a few through the years that have stuck with me as excellently done, examples to be proud of. This commercial -- aired by Budweiser only once, during the Super Bowl in 2002, mere months after the attacks of 9/11/01 -- is one such example.

It's barely a commercial at all, the rarity that pays tribute, does not try to sell anything and is, quite frankly, the company bowing their heads towards NYC. Bud used their most recognizable symbol -- the elegant clydesdales -- and said in a classy way, you are not forgotten.

This video is one of the few things that can always choke me up. Enjoy.

BS Wit Featured In The Exponent

As loyal reader Paul points out, we've now made the big time, as Boiled Sports was featured as the Tweet of the Day in Purdue's student newspaper, The Exponent.

Sure, out of nearly 11,000 tweets, they elected to choose one where we made fun of the Alka-Selzer commercial with the most poorly-cast karate master ever. But hey, being famous means we don't get to choose.

More About Commercials

Yes, this is off-topic. Who cares?

(Put your hands down.)

I love well-made commercials. And I detest stupid ones. And most are stupid. My appreciation for good ones is probably because I'm a writer and I know how destroyed good concepts become after 900 people "tweak" and "edit" and "review" good stuff that people write. Sometimes simplicity or a subtle admittance of something makes it even better.

I was recently reminded of some commercials Cadillac ran just a couple of years ago, starting with Super Bowl XLII. I also am a bass player (poorly) and so I love heavy bass undertones (which you also might have figgered out if you listen to our podcast) so there's something refreshing I find about the way Caddy decided: Yes, the Escalade is badass and ridiculous. Let's just go with it.



He just admits it there. I also loved this one (never mind the weird android at the end):



And then, here's the final one with a woman. Who doesn't love a woman being sultry?



Gas prices were high (this wasn't like 1998 or something) and Cadillac just didn't care. Because why hide it? Then you're Hummer and you're trying to pretend you're something you're not. I loved it and I wish more advertisers would do that.

Instead, we have brain-dead crap with Howie Long telling us how fuel-efficient Chevys are. Awesome.

Please Shut Up Howie Long

I don't know about you, but I get really tired of the same commercials being cracked over my head again and again and again. And this is never worse than during times like NFL football Sundays or the MLB playoffs. Like Frank Caliendo and those endless FrankTV commercials in the MLB playoffs two years ago.

The MLB Network launched just this year and I think because they're new and not on in all markets, they probably have trouble selling all their ad space. So I think what they did was struck a deal with Chevy that whenever they have an open slot, they'll run that idiotic Howie Long commercial where he tells us how three models of Chevrolet get like 1 MPG better mileage than their Honda counterpart (like that's going to make people buy a Chevy over a Honda) and then wraps it up with the hillllarrrrious joke about how Honda makes something "we just can't compete with," and it's....are you ready because this is a gas?? A LAWN MOWER! I know! Get it? Because Honda makes lawn mowers, too? Geddit?? Awesome work.

Seriously, that commercial has been run so much this year that I truly want to kick in my television set every time I see it. And those followed last year's, where Howie mocked guys for buying other trucks from Ford and Dodge because they offered features Chevy didn't. So the solution is to make fun of them for offering... more?

But then there's one that's actually worse and it's right here, hackey writing and demonic child and all:



The whole "I'm a big girl" routine is just.... painful. And her psychotic, supposed-to-be-cute nodding at the end is just frightening. I keep waiting for her head to begin spinning around.

Also, just for fun, run the tape again and click pause at the 16 second mark.

Yes, she's pointing to Howie's junk and saying, "That's a big-girl seat." I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

So which commercials do you want to launch into outer space?

Handsome Drew Brees Still Giving Back

Not only does Drew still do local ads around West Lafayette, he hasn't forgotten his Big Ten roots, as this new ad from the Big Ten shows:



Not the funniest ad I've ever seen, but it's always great to have a high-profile alum participating. I mean, I'm sure Jim Sorgi was available, but he might actually be working as a camp counselor before too long.

It's also nice to see the starting lineup for the Hoosiers willing to take time out to participate in the ad.

(Thanks to reader Patrick B for the heads-up.)

Prepare to See Coaching Elite In Boxers

We already had the gay undertones of wife-cheater (Kobe), steroid-user (A-Rod), drunk driving bong-hitter (Michael Phelps) and general all-around stoner (Tony Hawk -- sorry, couldn't find anything really bad about him) doing a gay-undertones guitar hero commercial. But now we've got a cadre of college coaches doing it, too -- and hunchback Bob Knight referring to it as "Gee-tar Hee-row."

Avert your eyes.



I actually like the way they all kind of shake their heads at Knight's patented "throw something" maneuver. As an aside, though, has anyone ever gotten more mileage out of a single act of ass-hole-ry?

Coke Zero Wants To Put You On TV

I imagine we're not the only Big Ten blog to get this note today, but a gentleman from 360i.com contacted us this morning regarding Purdue fans maybe having a chance to get in a Coke commercial. I'm not usually one to respond to these kinds of things, but I know how creative you sexy BS readers are, so I'll let the note explain:

With the NCAA Tournament brackets finally set and the Boilermakers heading to the Big Dance against Northern Iowa this Thursday (after exciting Big Ten title win), I wanted to let you know you that Coke Zero is giving fans a chance to be in their new TV commercial airing before the championship game on April 6th. There are no video or photo entries for Purdue yet on the "March Madabase" -- http://www.tastethemadness.com -- so now is the chance for Boilermaker fans to put themselves in the spotlight as a Big Ten champs (there are entries for conference rivals like Illinois and OSU).

All Purdue fans have to do to enter is upload their most passionate videos/photos supporting their team, and they could be featured in a national Coke Zero TV ad on college basketball's biggest night. Check out this video for your fellow Big Ten team, the Fighting Illini, as an example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyOVa1HZm_0

Head over to the official "Taste the Madness" site to submit entries and view videos/photos from colleges around the country: http://www.tastethemadness.com

What The French, Toast?

Well, I'm feeling frisky as college football is just about upon us (though as Purdue fans, it's kind of like dry-humping for us.... no real action yet) and it got me thinking about the fact that once college and pro football gets started, we get to see some rather amusing commercials again. Sure, they'll be drilled into us until we can't stand them anymore, but there are always a few that are clever enough and funny enough that I, for one, don't tire of them.

Earlier this week on the Big Ten Blogger Google Feed, there was some debate over one of the B10B guys mocking another, blah blah blah.... after an awkward silence, one of the other guys, from the Nittany Line, says "You Stinky McStinkface!" To which I responded, "You lintlicker!" To which Brad from Maize and Blue Nation replied, "What the french, toast?" All of these, for those of you uninitiated, come from one single hilarious commercial:



It doesn't matter how many times I watch that -- I always laugh.

And as for other amusing commericals, I always loved this one from Bud Light, though I don't ever recall it actually being on our airwaves:



And for a tip as to what my wife deals with by living with me, the following commercial is one that I quote all the time:



And, of course, a classic I've always loved:



Hope you've enjoyed today's tour through profanity and fart jokes.

Some Patriotism Mixed With Commercialism

Well, we've made no secret of the fact that we think the Beijing Olympics are a joke. However, Nike -- as always -- has made a pretty awesome commercial. Perhaps you've seen some of the shorter cuts, but I'll include the full-length version here in case you haven't seen it. It's pretty awesome. Even for a cynical f-ck like me.



Yes, it make my USA pride swell up. And yes, I want to see our boys succeed. It's our damn game. Bring it home, boys.

Go USA.

Another Roger Clemens Cingular Commercial

Everybody loved the original Cingular commercial with Roger and Debbie Clemens last year (just one year ago, amazingly). And hey, if you watch the video closely, you can see the guy on the right in the background start making a jerk-off gesture right when Roger says "I'm back, guys!" I have to believe that was done to be funny and wasn't expected to make the final cut.

Anyway, we then unearthed another version and shared it with you. And now Roger and Debbie are back.








[Roger on Phone]

Hey honey! I’m out on the golf course with the guys, and it reminded me of when we filmed that funny commercial about me coming out of retirement. Wasn’t that fun? I remember it like it was just last year.









[Debbie on phone]

Are you kidding? It was last year, you stupid meathead.








[Roger on Phone]

Whoa, take it easy, Deb. What’s gotten into you?









[Debbie on Phone]

Well, there’s someone here you need to talk to. I’ll videoconference her in.










[busted Mindy McCready]

[smokey, gravelly voice] Hey, Rog. Remembah me?









[Roger on Phone]

Gah! Who the hell are you??









[Debbie on Phone]

She says you two had an affair starting when she was 15, you prick.








[Roger on Phone]

What?? Seriously? Hon, ah mean, come on! Look at her! I’m not sayin’ I wouldn’t cheat – I’m a ballplayer after all…








[Debbie on Phone]

You used to be, anyway.








[Roger on Phone]

…but come on, do you think I would cheat with…with…with THAT mess?











[busted Mindy McCready]

Rog, maybe you don’t remember me, but this is what I used to look like:

[texts pictures of hot McCready to Roger]














[Roger on Phone]

Oh, hells yeah! I’d hit that! Rocket power hour, baby!








[Debbie on Phone]

What was that?









[Roger on Phone]

What? Nothing. Who is this?

[call drops]









[Debbie on Phone]

What did you just say? So you DID do her? G-ddammit, Roger!! I’m pissed now! Do you hear me? I’ve just knocked over some flowers in the kitchen to illustrate my point! And you know how much I hate knocking things over Roger!












[Mindy McCready mug shot]

[smokey, gravelly voice] Anybody got a ciggy?

Roger Clemens Saga -- All Because of a Dropped Call

We've all seen the Roger Clemens Cingular commercial with his rather hot wife from last year, where it appears Roger's call is dropped and he can't hear his wife angrily opposing his latest comeback with the Yankees. But what did we not hear?

All commercials are shot with lots of dialogue that is eventually edited out. Here at Boiled Sports, we were able to obtain some previously unreleased transcripts of that commercial. Read on...



Roger: "Hey, honey, I'm here with Rusty Harden and some other guy we met on the course and we were talking about 'roids and HGH and whatever those horse suppositories were that Mac jammed up my ass all those times. Anyway, Rusty and this dude we just met both think I can just deny any of it ever happened because, hey, I'm Roger Clemens and who's going to believe someone else over me?"


Debbie: "Are you kidding?"

Roger: "Just say the word 'no,' and I won't listen to them. Just say 'no' and I won't come back to the Yankees and risk being called out on this... Just say 'no' and I won't do it. I won't basically tarnish everything I've ever accomplished by lying as though the whole bullshit clubhouse code applies to the real world. What could go wrong, right?"

[call drops]

Debbie: "Roger! No! No!! Do you hear me? What are you, f-cking retarded? MacNamee is a slimy character who you told me yourself you didn't trust. He probably saved evidence of all that shit! If you deny everything and make a big production of it, you could end up being in front of Congress when they call your bluff... and if you lie THERE, you could go to jail! Do you realize this? NOOOOOOO!!"

Roger: "You know, just say the word and I won't do it... I won't come back to play or even think about being arrogantly defiant about my PED use. But if you're cool with it, I also have a backup plan if this ever blew up in my face. I'll just tell them that he injected YOUR fine ass with HGH. We'll just say it was so you looked more buff when we did that SI shoot. Remember? Man, we had wild sex that day... I wonder if those photographers were telling the truth when they said they had no film in their camera while we were doin' it. I know you said we should wait until we got home but I just had to have you. Wait, where was I? Oh, right... just say no if you don't want me to head down this path... I mean, I just won't... if you tell me not to, I won't do it. That's all you gotta say..."

Debbie: "ROGER! Can you hear me! No! No! NOOOO! A thousand times no! Roger! Andy knows, too, remember? Who knows who else he told? What if they ask HIM about it? And Andy's wife knows, too! Oh, God, Roger! Andy's busted wife and I talk about that all the time! And you know how God-fearing Andy and his wife are! They'll tell the truth for sure! And that will sink you totally! So if all I have to do is say 'no,' then consider me saying 'NO F-CKING WAY'!! In fact, I just knocked over some flowers in the kitchen to illustrate my point! You know how much I hate knocking things over, Roger!! Roger! Roger!!!!"

Roger [hearing nothing]: "Okay, great.... hey, guys, I'm back and we're on for the plan! If anything goes wrong, my wife is on board with me just doing the sticking-my-fingers-in-my-ears-and-screaming-na-na-na-na-na routine! In fact, she's so happy, she's speechless!"

Now you know the whole story. Debbie knew what might happen. If only Roger used Cingular. Because, you know, AT&T's network never drops calls.